This past week saw a couple MORE folks I know getting laid off from their jobs. That sucks. Guys who were eligible to retire from the fire department have been jumping like rats off of the Titanic, worried what sort of shenanigans our politicians may try to attempt; these can be troubling times, indeed. There does, however, remain a perverse juxtaposition for a good many of the people facing an uncertain future: new opportunities. While I wouldn’t want to inflict the chaos of no income upon my family, the side of me that thrives on inconsistency looks upon these chances with a little envy. Of course, I also think that it would be great to live in an old caboose, so you have to take my mental capacity into account. That being said, I give you the weeks Raising Of The Pint Glass / Karate Chop To The Throat as well as the survey question for the Half Past Friday survey. Remember to send your wittiness to firstname.lastname@example.org and check back in for the rankings. Till then, here’s to new horizons for all.
Raising Of The Pint Glass
1.) Old School Tradition. Recently, a battalion chief for our department had his “official” retirement party here at Station 2. Great. Cake, punch, some war stories, take care, have a good life. But then he went on to throw a shindig down at Springfield Brewing Co. a few weeks later. AND HE BOUGHT THE BEER. Nothing gets firefighters together like the prospect of free beer. I raise my glass to him for showing the class. Good luck, Chief!
2.) Alan Best. That is the real name of the character I call Nan, who happens to be my brother, and who also set a WORLD RECORD for his weight class in the bench press. 675lbs. is nothing to sneeze at. I salute you and your freaky muscles, brother. Congrats!
3.) Heathen #1. My oldest turned six years old yesterday, an event marked with an ungodly amount of Transformers toys, crack-dealer amounts of sugar and general mayhem. I am so proud of my little man; he’s a testament to great parenting….by his mother. I figure it is my job to teach him how to eat dirt, drink diesel and stay out of trouble. And when he’s old enough, I’ll take him down to my favorite watering hole and buy him a beer, so I can raise my glass to him.
Karate Chop To The Throat
1.) Work. I can’t quite justify retiring at 35, but that’s mostly because I would have to live under a bridge for the remainder of my days. I should have earned it the old fashioned way – inheritance style. That way, I could indulge the slacker lifestyle. Having worked up to this point in several knuckle-busting trades, I think I am qualified to appreciate laying back for a living.
2.) Hipster coffee server dude down at the place near the square. Look, I can see the disdain in your eyes when we walk in after shift at 7am and order up plain old coffee and begin our intense bull sessions. Your square eyeglasses and hipster-induced 70’s retro ad tee shirt just add to the fact that you look like a condescending ass. We may be just a bunch of aging blue collar bastards swilling your joe, but guess what? It provides you the means to get your faux-hawk styled and a new pair of fitted woman’s jeans, so quit giving me the hairy eyeball, or I will chop you to the throat.
3.) Bad Timing. I got it. Wish I didn’t, and I can’t shake it.
Half Past Friday Survey Question For July 17th
As a result of your meteoric rise to the top of your game, a big screen biopic of your life is in the works. Fortunately for you, YOU get to choose who plays the title character. Tell me who would play the role of you in this movie and why. Make it original and make ’em funny. Email your answers to email@example.com. Tune in Friday for the results.