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Archive for August, 2010

By The Numbers

August 27th, 2010 3 comments

It's All Going SOOO Smoothly

Scorecard After A Week Without The Wife

  • Money spent on stuff like beef jerky and Crown Royal at Sam’s: like $200
  • Loads of laundry (mixed carelessly and with hot water): 13
  • Time spent searching for damn library book that will no doubt cost us $6000 and a lung if we don’t return it within the next couple of days: 3 very pissed off hours
  • Scrambled eggs left on plate because “I don’t liiiiike cheese in them Daddyyyyyy”: 6
  • Showers they’ve taken: 5
  • Showers I’ve taken: 2
  • Stack of mail on the counter: 39″ tall
  • Number of bills probably overdue: probably all of them
  • Number of episodes of SpongeBob I’ve watched: 361
  • Number of episodes of SpongeBob they’ve watched: 67
  • Dreams about Transformers they’ve had in which they’ve been stabbed by a sword and that scares them and they feel the need to inform me about it at 2:38am and they also want to talk about it in detail: 3
  • Times I’ve been woken up by the dog’s putrid breath and the fact that he’s spooning me: 12
  • Number of instances where I’ve trimmed their fingernails at the school bus stop: 1
  • Hours I’ve spent shaking my fist at the computer screen while she posts pictures of her fabulous time in Florida with all of her girlfriends as I’m slowly dying of neglect here in Misery: 16
  • Number of times I’ve left the house since she’s been gone: twice
  • How many hours spent waiting in line to sign one of the boys up for football. With them pulling on my pant legs, since I was too dumb to bring any distractions for them: 2
  • Number of meals created by opening a cardboard box and setting the oven to 425: most of them
  • Amount of sympathy I’ve drummed up from anyone, especially other mothers: none at all

It would be most appreciated if you could possibly tear yourself away from your little excursion into a life of heinous debauchery and perhaps return home at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,

Your war-torn and beat-nine-ways-to-hell husband.

ps- I lost the checkbook.

A Rant

August 26th, 2010 1 comment

Raise Your Hand If You Hate Gay People. (Photo courtesy AP/Lenny Ignelzi)

Recently, Dr. Laura Schlessinger The Rabid decided to retire from radio after engaging in a racial tirade with an African American caller. Laura Kipnis wrote a great article about it on Slate (read here). The theme of the article is that we love to find scapegoats, especially when they fall from their high perches that are trimmed out in moral superiority. I agree with crux of the argument, actually, with all of the article. In fact schadenfreude is a basis for most of my own tirades, especially in our celebrity-driven culture. So, yeah, of course I was glad when the angry woman who condescendingly doles out fear-mongering finger wags gets knocked down several pegs. But it also begets a larger question:

WHO IN THE HELL CALLS IN TO RADIO SHOWS AND HOPES TO SOLVE INTIMATE PROBLEMS ON-AIR?

If you’re a sixteen year old girl who wants to know if a boy really likes you, then, maybe, I guess? If you call syndicated morning shows, chances are those guys are looking for material to keep their shows funny and relevant. You’re gonna play right into their hands when you seek their advice after you catch your girlfriend having sex with an entire minor league hockey team. This makes for good air time and making you look the fool.

The same holds true for people who seek the advice of polarizing zealots on-air. If you mention to any number of talk-radio hosts that you voted Democrat once in 1982, they’ll admonish your lack of capability, and woe be to you if you say “actually, I examine the issues and candidates before pulling the lever one way or the other.” This is cause for them to verbally abuse you and refer to you as a “waffling, weak, fence-sitter.” Independent thought is not encouraged; it’s party line or die, baby.

So the real loser in the Dr. Laura debate is the caller “Jade”. She was seeking Dr. Laura’s counsel about her white husbands’ friends who were racially intolerant of their marriage. Well, Jade, those guys sound like idiots, and my uninformed advice is to junk-punch those fools, both literally and in debate. That shouldn’t be too hard – ignorant people rarely see it coming.

But more importantly, Jade, what the hell were you thinking asking Dr. Laura? She’s a mean old hag who’s advice to people seems to be limited to “you need to get over it” and “read your Bible.” Seek the counsel of those who know you well, or those who you pay on a professional basis. Radio hosts are entertainers who are driven by the capability to sell ad-space and seem relevant in today’s world. They are not there specifically to help you. They are there to amuse the rest of us, often at your expense. Dr. Laura used you as a platform for her insanity; I think it was less what she said and more the unhinged delivery that gave most people the heebie-jeebies. She sounded like a total jerk, and her sponsors responded. Her retirement? Pure coincidence.

Just promise me you won’t be buying gold from Glenn Beck in the near future, Jade.

Categories: Wandering Ponderings Tags:

Taking It For Granted

August 24th, 2010 7 comments

Like most emergencies, this one came as a surprise. I was trying to enjoy a cup of cold coffee while sitting out in the sun, unremarkably bitching about the heat to Chris & Kristen. The patio of this particular coffee establishment faces a busy road, one that delivers people to strip malls of every stripe in our fair city. We’re casually casting glances when I see motorcycle parts scattered all over the road and two people in helmets on their backs and chaos begins to rain down.

This is where it gets tricky.

Off duty from the fire department. Accident in front of your eyes. No gear, no medical gloves and lots of blood. No reason to not help. No way to ignore what’s right in front of you. No way to finish the cup of coffee in peace.

People, being basically good and decent, begin to offer help to the motorcycle riders. Someone has the presence of mind to demand that their helmets be left on, in case of spinal injuries. Some people mill about the scene, as though staring at it might help it go away. The little old lady who turned in front of the bike, the one responsible for all of it, is off and looking dazed and worried and this reinforces my stance that drivers licenses for seniors in a town as crowded as ours are a dicey proposition. Twice yesterday, while on my own motorcycle, I had elderly drivers pull out in front of me, causing a lockup of the brakes and a steady stream of freaky loud cursing.

But back to the matter at hand.

The driver of the bike is now starting to thrash about, somewhat violently, and before I reach him, he jerks his helmet right off his head, causing panic-prone bystanders to collectively, and loudly, register their disappointment in his actions. His passenger, wearing short shorts and flip flops, is feeling the effects of her legs sliding across hot asphalt at high speeds but is not causing much of a ruckus. Not like the driver.

No gloves. This sucks. One of the first rules in EMT school is “if it’s wet and it’s not yours, don’t touch”. The bridge of his nose and other points on his face are slathered in blood, and a lot of it. All right. Fine. And down go the hands to his head and cervical-spine precautions have begun. He doesn’t like this and want to fight it a little. This is totally normal, and I tell people around me to hold his limbs down as it is explained that what we need right now is cooperation. He’s mostly concerned with the state of his bike, which is mostly shredded and leaking enough fluids to qualify for Superfund status. Someone in the crowd decides to lie to him and tell him the bike is fine.

Some minutes pass; Engine 9 and Truck 6 arrive, take over patient care, give me a ribbing about working off-duty and help me shed the blood from my hands. Despite being on a different shift on a different side of town, the rules of the job remains the same. While it’s a dance of orchestrated chaos, there are roles we all play and everyone knows them. Mostly I’m concerned about the status of my coffee. I say this not out of a sense of callousness, but rather, a function of my addiction to the bean. The patients need care, and once that is established, we can focus on other, more pressing matters. Coffee is a pressing matter.

I return to the curb to find Chris & Kristen looking at me as though they’d just witnessed me working as a rodeo clown. In many ways, that’s an accurate descriptor. Since our friendship is based on factors outside of the world of the fire department, I guess it was somewhat odd for them to see my work environment. Ten years after climbing onto a ladder truck as a professional firefighter for the first time, you see these events not as cataclysmic life changers, which is how the patients will view them, but rather, as a typical job duty. To quote both retired engineer Mike Abbey and my psychotic Aunt Viper “This is what we do.”

What we do is take for granted that we’re the helpers. We help those who need it. No more, no less. The Wife sees someone who needs their hair whipped into shape and that’s what she does. My brother Buns finds those who need second hand computer parts at deep discount, and he helps them get said parts. The Dirtbag sees an empty lot and the need for a well-built home, and he gets down with his tools and his anger and builds the damn thing. When some 20 year old fool in a tee shirt wrecks his street bike into the hood of an old lady’s car at high speed, I hold his neck in place and avoid blood spatter.

And, in the back of my mind, while taking all of this moment, this role and this career for granted, there’s one thought that plays on an endless loop, keeping time like a locomotive in my consciousness: man, that coffee is going to taste good when I finally get it back in my hands.

Categories: Siren Songs Tags: , , ,

Wasted On The Way

August 23rd, 2010 1 comment

Because The Dog Wouldn't Take The Picture

Chronicles Of Abandonment

  • 7:15am – arrive home from a firehouse shift to an empty house. Remember that Wife has left for Florida recently, thereby leaving me in charge for a short while. Begin to wonder where the children are.
  • 7:17am – check calendar. Yup. It’s a school day. They must be in school. Longingly look over at liquor cabinet.
  • 7:19am – loud noises! No repercussions! Scream at walls and argue with dishes, while dog takes on a nervous shake.
  • 7:20am – now hoarse. That screaming shit is not as fun when you’re closer to 40 than 20. Headache begins to set in and I reach for a bottle of Ibuprofen. THIS? is how we roll.
  • 7:30am – realize that all pertinent housework can be put off for at least 5 more days. Small fist pump of victory.
  • 7:31am – look in freezer and decide there are enough fish sticks and frozen pizzas to last us at least four days. I now contemplate a life without bathing for a week, without leaving the house and wearing nothing but a robe. This idea has a striking appeal.
  • 7:36am – first pot of coffee and second wind kick in. This is going to be so awesome. You have no idea how much I’m going to get done in terms of writing and creating and making all kinds of magic happen.
  • 7:38am – motivation totally lost as I marvel at stupid internet sites. Why do I keep chuckling at animals doing stupid things? That’s it, I’m officially old. Resist urge to forward any of this hilarity to ANYone.
  • 7:39am – Scheduled self-loathing in full swing.
  • 7:48am – head down on desk as I realize that I’m a completely worthless piece of crap, sobbing uncontrollably. Dog begins to look at me with disgust, promptly farts and then leaves the room. This does not help.
  • 7:53am – ok, feeling better. Then I read the updates on Facebook of friends who are, apparently, out there in nothing but awesome climates, changing the world and partying like Mick Jagger all at once. Self-hatred returns.
  • 7:56am – begin loud karaoke/air guitar session as a means of overcoming sense of worthlessness. Totally works.
  • 7:58am- decide against the early morning cocktail, on the off-chance that The Heathens will light their school on fire and I’ll be called to answer for their actions in the principal’s office.
  • 8:00am – realize that sometime within the last 45 minutes, the mother-in-law has been here at the house to drop off the Heathens toys, probably heard the scream-fest and is now reporting me to authorities. So much for privacy.
  • 8:01 am – begin preparing defense of aforementioned actions as I anticipate call from The Wife, demanding to know “just what in the hell I’m doing in the house scaring my mother like that.”

Expendable? More Like Undefendable

August 20th, 2010 2 comments

"Two. We'll Have Two Shots Of Ridiculousness"

There are few movies in which I find myself wondering “what in THE HELL?”.

The Expendables has earned such commentary.

By traveling to the Assisted Living Home For Aging Action Stars, Sylvester Stallone has rounded up a veritable who’s who of has-beens who no one under 25 has ever heard of and made one fantastically horrible movie. Has Sly traded what little creative juice he’s ever had for enough plastic surgery to give Joan Rivers a jealous streak? Where to begin?

The dialogue: my two little boys under age 8 trade better zingers and spicier barbs. There’s not even a “Yo, Adriannnnn!” moment to be turned into cult currency at a later date. It’s horrible. Oh? And every bad guy moment? Totally laced with cartoonish monologue-ing that was so cleverly lampooned in The Incredibles.

The cast: I’m gonna go with the belief that every single cast member owed Mr. Stallone a substantial amount of money that they were unable to repay. As penance, he forced them to “act” in his dog-turd of a creation. Only Jason Statham made a decent effort. Mickey Rourke? So bad. Bruce Willis? Stilted and contrived. Arnold? Looked like he’d just emerged from a microwave oven set on high for too long. Dolph Lungren? Duuuuuuuuuude. You washed out years ago, right alongside whatever dignity you were clinging on to.  Stone Cold Steve Austin? At least he got to employ wrestling moves, choosing to employ straight arms in lieu of guns or knives (always smart) thereby not reaching too far out of his skill set.

The plot: Sly and his band of washed up mercenaries are more than willing to kill 7,638 people apiece in order to give Sly the chance to see a girl again. This is a woman who is young enough to be his daughter, so I was ever so thankful when he merely hugged her at the end, as opposed to feigning some sort of romance. She is the daughter of naughty General Garza, played by David Sayas, the actor who deftly plays the role of Angel Batista on the brilliant Showtime series Dexter and seems morbidly appalled that he signed on to play some sort of corrupt junta-type. It’s as though he never read the script and can’t believe he sunk so low as to sign on sight unseen. Eric Roberts, the CIA agent turned rogue drug lord is played sleazily enough, with his defining bad-guy characteristics being his slicked back hair and all-too-white teeth.

The only thing that made this movie bearable was being able to groan its terriblicity so loud that the normally unflappable Chris Louzader got markedly uncomfortable. If we’re going to go for awkward, I say we take it all the way.

The synopsis: this is one hundred and three minutes of my life I will never get back. And if you waste your time and money watching this arthritic clunker, you’ll feel as though perhaps your free time is expendable, too.

Overall Score: D- Minus (that’s right: minus minus. So very minus)

Categories: Movie & Music Pontifications Tags:

She’s Leaving Me, Again

August 17th, 2010 3 comments

They Who Would Abandon Their Husbands

Soon the Wife will be leaving me. For a week.

One whole week with her girlfriends in Florida, dressing up like unleashed cougars, lounging around the pool and casually eyeballing young men with no shirts on. One whole week of eating like royalty and consuming fruity martinis. No kids, no cares, no husbands. She and her merry band of women will be cavorting in the sun and surf, with half a dozen husbands left in the dirt wondering how in the hell any of this seems fair.

This has become an annual affair, and far from being an impossible situation, it’s a great week back here at our own Ground Zero. This is when the men rule the roost, when we leave the toilet seats up and declare fish sticks a culinary delicacy, one worthy of replicating six nights in a row. The Heathens and I will do our damnedest to consume as many episodes of SpongeBob Squarepants as possible. How about some raw toast for breakfast?

While she and her friends are loudly and publicly referring to themselves as The Girlie Whirlies and demanding punk-ass 20 year olds with their hats backwards dance with them, I’ll be teaching the boys the virtues of motorcycle ownership. We’ll crank some Dropkick Murphy’s music (she really hates that stuff), we’ll go down to the tattoo parlor as a family and talk to the guy I want to do my first ink, and if they’re really well behaved I might introduce them to my favorite barkeeps down at Patton Alley Pub.

And my wife wonders if it’s a good idea for her to go out of town.

She always worries about it, but that never stops her from her reckless abandon(ment). This trip is sacred to her, for reasons unknown to the male gender as a whole. Men sometimes congregate in groups for out of town trips, but mostly this is for the express purpose of shooting something in the woods and drinking whiskey while telling tales of their prowess with a firearm. I’ve never thought about trying to get a bunch of my guy friends together for a week on the beach, where we could sit around the condo and tell each other how beautiful we all are as we lurch towards middle age. If I proposed this, it would be met with a bunch of “what the hell are you thinking, man? I’ve got kids. The missus would never go for it.” Plus, it might be a hard sell, offering them the chance to pay money to fly to another state with the stated goal of laying around with sand in our shorts, catching some skin cancer and complaining about our love handles.

This is, apparently, the perfect way to spend a week in her eyes. She needs it, or so she claims. I claim to need to live back on the Pacific coast, but that is met with little more than a rolling of her eyes. This, my friends, is the beautiful chemistry of the well oiled machine that is a healthy marriage.

So off she goes. Fine. And good riddance. Who needs her anyways?

After a week, we will.

10 More Reasons I’m Slipping

August 15th, 2010 3 comments

A Portrait I Had Done At Sears Recently

It’s getting worse. I’m aging at an alarming rate. Give me a day of the week and I’ll tell you, specifically, what body part was aching worse than others. I still think of 1995 as “just the other day”. I find the music of Living Colour groundbreaking. Sweet Jeezus, we’re growing old, compadres.

Here are 10 more signs we need to check into assisted living as a viable vacation option.

10. I willingly listen to Jack Johnson and John Mayer and Norah Jones. Oh, what the hell, I might as well admit I have a Pandora station exclusively dedicated to those artists. To think I mocked James Taylor at one time. In the 90′s mind you.

9. Our friends insisted on leaving our dinner party at 9:18 pm because we were yawning and they insisted “it was getting late”. 9:18pm. The kids aren’t even getting ready to hit the town at that hour and all I want to do is brush my dentures.

8. I keep bottles of Ibuprofen in my truck, in my firehouse locker, in my bathroom at home and constantly worry there won’t be one near by, in case I find myself in a street fight and need to head the pain off first.

7. A thought occurred to me the other day and I briefly considered writing a letter to the editor about it. On a typewriter.

6. I can attend a kickoff breakfast for breast cancer awareness with a genuine concern in my heart for a terrible disease, as opposed to believing that somehow someone, somewhere is going to feel the urge to reveal their breasts.

5. The state of my lawn is a cause for serious pause and contemplative reflection.

4. Tried a bowl of my kids’ cereal the other day, expecting sugary delight and a pleasant high fructose corn syrup rush. Three bites later, I tossed it out and grabbed a box of Cheerios. They’re good for cholesterol, you know.

3. I checked the smoke detectors in a friends’ house the other day. No reason. I was off-duty, but concerned nonetheless.

2. My boys look to me for advice. Seriously. This will prove to be one of the worst decisions of their young lives, a fact that will only be revealed years later while under the care of an overpriced psychiatrist. And it will still be funny to me.

1. In no way whatsoever, in any shape or form do I understand the relevance of Justin Bieber. As such, I feel a violent urge to just slap him across the face and tell him to get a haircut, thereby angering millions of girls under 12 and women who should know better.

Categories: Tales of Misery Tags:

Home Made Time Machine

August 11th, 2010 1 comment

Tuff Gong

An enormous waste of time was undertaken tonight. I couldn’t place a classmate from high schools’ name, so out came the Cate School Class of 1992 yearbook. Three hours later, here we are, two cocktails and a torrent of memories to show for it. Besides the usual “holy-shit-was-I-really-that-skinny?” moments and the expected lament over wasted potential, the best part of tripping down old memories were the personal notes, scribed by schoolmates in the last week of my last year in high school, the last time in life when the future was a brilliant and bright unknown, and only people with really good genetics lived past the ripe old age of thirty.

1992 was pre-internet (basically), pre-digital camera and pre-cellphones (except in the case of  Miami Vice). The only trail of memories I have from my relationships back then are these inscriptions that recall stolen moments, inside jokes and the false promise of future camaraderie. The majority of quotes seem to focus on adventures we’d engaged in while in my 1977 green and beat to hell Toyota truck, lovingly named The Avocado. But I thought I’d share some direct quotes, ones to which you might be able to relate.

Typical, if not downright frequent themes:

  • “You could’ve been my friend if you weren’t so violent”
  • “I’m not one known to be a great yearbook signer. But for your sorry ass, I’ll give it a shot”
  • “It’s too bad we weren’t in the same dorm this year. We could’ve tried to relive the days of “The Passion Pit”".
  • “Ever since I ogled you, I had a burning desire to break your sternum.”
  • “I will certainly never forget your creative insults & brutality, and in a sick and twisted way, will miss it.”
  • “I’ll miss your burps, farts & absolute etiquette, you gentleman, you. No wonder Janie loves you. NOT. PISS OFF AND HAVE AN EXCELLENT YEAR.”
  • “I will follow you wherever you go. Wherever you think you hear someone call your name or think you see someone dart behind a corner: it will be me and I will get you. I will miss you, Uli.”
  • “High times to you, Uli.”

And then there were a couple that gave me pause, actually.

  • “You don’t understand how much I missed you this year, you dork.”
  • “I love hearing your stories and laughing at your jokes (except the sexist ones). Do you remember when we were sitting on the bench at Long House and I was upset about some guy? You probably don’t, but you totally changed my mind.”
  • “Thick and thin for four years. Ups and downs. Female after female (for him maybe). Fight after fight, performance after performance, jam after jam, year after year, we’ve been there, together. Music is our bond, and a strong one at that. I’m my brother’s keeper, so whatever mess you get in, we’ll work it out.”
  • “Damn, you’re a f–kin’ hilarious motherf–er!”

The one that has me up at 12:39am?

  • “Keep jamming and please don’t cut yourself short.”

Wherever in this world you are, Matt Ray, I’m trying.

Eighteen years later, and eighteen years of selling, and cutting, myself short, the wisdom of your Jimi Hendrix-soaked scrawls has rung more true than ever.

In whatever new form it takes, it’s time to get back to jamming.

Categories: Amigos, West Coast shenanigans Tags:

The Other Guys – Funny Hombres

August 9th, 2010 1 comment

Copyright: The Internet

My threshold for comedies is a highly one-sided affair. I basically have one criteria that must be met: how would this movie go over in the firehouse after it’s 617th viewing? I also have a bit of a glitch when it comes to Will Ferrell movies – I like them more and more with repeated viewings, so that movies that I wasn’t enamored with at first (think Anchorman) become classics in my mind in a relatively short time. I don’t think that will be the case with the latest installment. I loved The Other Guys from the opening sequence right up until the credits began to roll. Watch the movie and you’ll see why that part ruins the irresponsible hilarity of the rest of it.

The opportunity to view the movie with self-professed local celebutante Chris Louzader gave me my first chance to watch and review a movie with an actual movie reviewer. She was gracious enough to allow me to tag along and annoy her by crinkling the popcorn bag every 15 seconds. It may be the last time she ever invites me, and I wouldn’t blame her.

I think a lot of people are going to go into this movie with a grudge against cop-buddy spoof-style flicks and I can’t say that I blame them: you’d be hard pressed to get me to endure another Jackie Chan/Chris Tucker installment. The bar seems to be set really high for people like Ferrell, and I’m shocked that people are expecting Morgan Freeman-style acting from a guy who’s responsible for the awesome website called “Funny Or Die”. He knows his genre, and he’s good at it and this seems to piss certain people (read: critics) off. Fickle, these people we call “people”.

There is a hilarious chemistry between Ferrell and Wahlberg that carries from their first scene, but they aren’t alone in their self-aware self deprecation: Samuel L. Jackson and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson begin the movie with bad-ass farce and nods to every macho cop-drama you’ve ever seen. It gets even better from there.

The plot is slightly laborious and I think this is intentional. You’re not supposed to be paying attention to the financial-crime scenario, you need to be watching a straight-laced Ferrell and a slightly unhinged Wahlberg work out the intricacies of  their enforced partnership. Eva Mendes, as the insanely hot wife of an unimpressed Ferrell, plays her role with equal humor. It’s as though all of the members are doing their very best to keep straight faces while delivering ridiculous lines. Michael Keaton, as the beleaguered Captain Gene, even manages to pull this off while making nonsensical references to the pop-group TLC without even knowing it.

If you’re gonna run an inside joke amongst your friends, it’s best if all parties can keep a straight face. The Other Guys pulls this maneuver off perfectly, and I laughed hard enough several times to invoke moments of snorting. That’s a win in my book.

Go see this movie with your friend who most closely appreciates your style of humor. You can take your spouse, but be prepared for them to eyeball you after the movie with slight disbelief, as though they’ve caught you singing along to Lady Gaga in the shower. They might not get the movie, and they’ll wonder why you’re proclaiming it to be comic genius. Don’t worry….I’ll understand where you’re coming from.

And yes, I expect to watch this movie more than a few times late at night in the firehouse.

Overall Movie Rating: A-

Categories: Movie & Music Pontifications Tags:

Panhandling With Panache

August 7th, 2010 2 comments

In the art of panhandling, as in warfare, strategy and tactics decide the victor. When you panhandle in the name of someone else, the stigma surrounding begging fades into the background, and people seem more willing to part with their hard-earned dollars.

On a constant and consistent basis, I see the less fortunate among us at highway off-ramps, imploring drivers to help them get home, get some food, get some blessings from God. Often these poor souls seem to be at their wits end, sometimes they are smirking, and always there is an unspoken pressure when the light turns red and you’re stuck, staring at a person in need. Are they really in need? Are they scamming you for a shot of sweet alcoholic release? We wonder about it, and pray for our own release in the form of the green light, hoping our kids don’t ask us why we didn’t help that man. It’s a powerful tonic, guilt, and it’s chaser is often anger at the intrusion into our own personal space.

And so, once a year, I turn the tables.

I get dressed in my firefighting pants, throw on a department tee shirt and hold a rubber boot out for mall shoppers to help raise funds for the Muscular Dystrophy Association, commonly known as “Jerry’s Kids”. For a couple of days I get to look into the eyes of the shoppers, to wordlessly implore them to reach into their change trays and help the innocent victims of a terrible disease. Today, The Outlaw Trucker, The Pimp and I spent about four hours selling the imagery of firemen for The Kids.

It works like magic, but one has to be careful.

When you wear the gear, when you go out as a representative of the fire service, people aren’t throwing money in your boot because they think YOU look good. They throw it in because they like the idea of firefighters and what they represent; if we’re willing to say you oughta donate to this worthy cause, then it carries a certain cache with it. More importantly it carries a responsibility. We might see it as a chance to broil our backsides off in the sun and laugh and joke and shamelessly flirt, but deep down, we’re hoping you see it as worth your time and money. It’s a gamble, putting your image as a public servant out there for people to toss pennies at – but one look at how much money firefighters nationwide raise for this cause gives heart to those of us flailing around in the heat. It’s days like this that invoke intense pride in our chosen profession, when you realize that countless firefighters across the country, career and volunteer, union and unrepresented, are all working for such a worthwhile cause.

The most telling detail of the Boot Drive, and one that never fails to amaze me, is that those people whom you’d cross the street to avoid – the thugs, the beat-down, those with the appearance of nothing to give…..they are the ones who never fail to put what they can in the boot. And the people in the very finest automobiles? They’re the ones who roll up the windows and hurriedly pick up their cell phones so as to avoid eye contact. And that’s okay – people should only give if they feel it is worth their time.

Standing in the sun and begging for your loose change is certainly worth mine.