Half Past Awesome

***WARNING: THE CONTENTS OF THIS WEEKS’ SURVEY ARE RACY & WILL MOST LIKELY, NO DEFINITELY, OFFEND THE SENSITIVE, THE YOUNG & THE MORE PROPER AMONG US!!***

Friday! At last! And to complete your work week, I have the results of yet another survey for you. The Half Past Friday poll was posed as thus: tell me 5 things in your nightstand. The only requirement was that you be honest. (This question was posed by a frequent reader of the site, so 10,000 points to You-Know-Who-You-Are.) And while I had no idea that firearms and personal, er, enhancers were so prevalent next to your bedside, I was impressed by the turnout of responses here; to date, this survey question has had the most answers. My notes are in red…the rest are how I received them. You wrote ‘em, I ranked ‘em. Props to you, and here we go:

Number 10.

Okay here’s 5 things that are in my would-be-nightstand, except for the fact that the janitor’s closet lacks said nightstand with said drawer. These items are laid out as though there were a nightstand.

5.) Lighter (BIC, not white)  (We are living in an OCD world, people. Get on board)

4.) The Upanishads  (And yes, I had to Google this one too)

3.) High Times Magazine (Surprise, surprise)

2.) Burt’s Bees Lipbalm (Smoke damage, perhaps?)

1.) Pair o glasses (How else to keep the red eyes hidden?)

Number 9.

I’m busier than a one-legged man at a butt kicking party today and my staff is going to kill me for slacking so long…..having said that, I’m addicted to the polls and MUST participate.

5.) The bible – sometimes I read aloud stories from the Old Testament and say “can you believe those people were so very scandalous?” (Hold up…are you Amish? But then, how would you be reading this? Confusion reigns…)

4.) The dictionary – I often read books above my vocabulary level and have to verify definitions. Like brazier. WTF is that? I could tell you because I looked it up the other night.  (so wordy, you studette)

3.)  Whatever book I’m reading – right now it’s “Lamb – the gospel according to Biff, Christ’s childhood friend” and “The Watchmen” comic book. Awesome.  (Eclectic taste, bold choices)

2.) Chewed up gum I spit out just before falling asleep last night – well, it’s on top of a piece of tissue. —- makes sure I spit my gum out every night. Yes, I chew gum even after I brush my teeth for bed. I’m a compulsive gum chewer. (And apparently a confessor of sorts; “guilt” is the aftertaste of your brand of gum)

1.) Now for the confession part…….I do have the new “Yours +Mine” you see the ads for on tv. Ha ha, it’s like 2 fun slippery substances that when mixed together create some magic. We read the ingredients – it’s menthol. Real magical. I get so suckered in by advertisements. And it was on sale at Walgreens. Who doesn’t want a discount rate romp occasionally? (I can’t even write this out with a straight face)

Number 8.

Well let’s see,

5.) About 20 bucks in change (The cost of approximately one gallon of gas in Cali.)

4.) Some sunglasses (What’s going on with the consistency of this answer? Do you people wear your sunglasses at night? And if so, to bed, even? I am way late on this trend, apparently)

3.) My pistol. (Dude, I know you live in poverty-level-squalor. Is home invasion really an issue?)

2.) My pistol ammo. (Exactly how many rounds do you expect to plug into your non-existent home invader?)

1.) …and phone charger  (Curious that you would have one of these, since you seem to eschew all forms of modern communication)

Number 7.

5.) Latex condoms (I am allergic to latex, so why are they in there?) and may I comment on the one condom that my husband confiscated from his 17 year old sister (yeah that’s gonna stop her)  (Indeed, how can I respond to this?)

4.) Sanitizer gel, I’m guessing for my reaction to the latex that lays in my nightstand.  (Not exactly what I’d label a “sound medical solution” to a latex allergy.)

3.) Old toothbrush used for cleaning the bathroom, why my son needs to hide this from me in here I have no idea. I’m glad he doesn’t have the allergy his mother does!  (Well,this just keeps going in new directions)

2.)  Breaking Dawn book, oh how I wish I could get the makeup bid for that movie. Mmmmm….let’s not go there today. (I can’t see why not…we’ve been all over the map so far)

1.)  The Book for Dummies, How to Heal Anything. Maybe  I need to explain it more. The dangerous things I have laying around my house. Hmmm… (Whatever they are, I am sure any damage can be healed using sanitizer gel and an old toothbrush)

Number 6.

5.) Wedding ring (Reasonable enough, from someone who at the outset APPEARS reasonable)

4.) Belt (No elaboration on whether or not it is for his pants or otherwise)

3.) Lube (…so there’s that)

2.) Vibrators (Ok, so now I am squeamish typing this out…but just a little)

1.) 00 Buck shotgun shells (Are things really gonna get that out of hand?)

Number 5.

2—-    (what the HELL is this? Numbers and blanks?  How am I supposed to gauge what you have if you are self editing? But, I must admit, I’m intrigued)

1—-   (Now you’re just being coy. STOP IT. IMMEDIATELY.)

and two f**kin’ books (So, it’s not  enough to just be elusive, but you’re gonna be surly too? What, are you running for re-election, Senator?)

Number 4.

I realize this is just your excuse for some voyeuristic perversion, but here it is, in no particular order:

5.) Various birthday and anniversary cards. (You know why we men hoard these things? So later on, during a huge, unrelated  argument, we can pull them out when being accused of “not caring enough”. HA!)

4.) Trojans (Apparently, despite all the kids, someone is STILL a playa. Sly dog, you)

3.) X-rated candy hearts (Wow….he’s good)

2.) I.O.U. the Game of Hidden Pleasure  (Now I just feel downright neglectful of MY wife…damn)

1.) “Finger” massagers.  (Dang. No wonder the marriage is still going strong after all these years.)

No id’s, right, Uli?

Number 3.

5.) Love letter (It sounds pretty innocent at first)

4.) Rosary (Ok, so maybe I’ll stay away from any acidic comments on this)

3.) Lip gloss (What IS it with you people and dry lips?)

2.) Lotion (What? You got dry hands, too?)

1.) 9mm Glock (…….and BOOM! There you have it, romance, religious icon, lubrication and a firearm; all the right ingredients for a great night at home!)

Number 2.

I really debated the general merits of answering this question. Keep in mind, I’m a single girl in the big city.

5.) Carmex (I’m getting familiar with this theme)

4.) Hand lotion (This issue has already been addressed)

3.) Condoms (Well, it’s patently obvious these nightstands are all prophylactic fantastic)

2.) Restraints (Where were these kinds of girls when I was single? Clearly I was wading in the shallow end of the dating pool)

1.) Batteries (No comment!) (None needed!)

Number 1.

You suck – you f**king suck because I know you know what the f**k is in my nightstand because the NOT Awesome — —— loves to tell that story and you know I won’t lie about it:

F**ker.  (ps. I never was told this story….so double the fun!)

5.) SystemJo lube (I have NEVER heard of this product, not even once, but it sounds like it might have come from a Fletch movie or something.)

4.) SystemJo massage oil (orange blossom) (Whoever this Jo guy is, he’s one twisted sister)

3.) C**t vibe  (Not too sure if that’s EXACTLY how it is described on the packaging….but then again, what do I know?)

2.) Anal beads (okay, I just threw up a little. Right into a coffee mug)

1.) Slapjacket (Is this what the kids are calling condoms these days? Damn, I AM getting old)

Eat a d**k.  (Enough hostility here to warrant a Dateline Special……”I’m Chris Hansen, why don’t you have a seat.”(ala To Catch A Predator))

Uli Half Past Friday

This weeks Half Past Friday survey was a glance into what I have loosely titled The Hall of Shame.  The Hall consists of those whom you find attractive, but would be loathe to admit to in polite company. I threw out all the results that were either to contrary to the title (“Courtney Cox or David Hasselhoff“; who DOESN’T love The Hoff?) or just plain too vanilla (“my married co-worker”.……pffft, that’s minor league). No, I set the bar high (or low, depending on your view) and you didn’t disappoint. I did find a bit more response from the female half of readers, and I chalk this up to fact that most guys have little to no shame, and would admit being attracted to a fence post if there was enough liquor involved. So I delved a little deeper and posed the question around the firehouse, which will ALWAYS take the disgusting factor up a few notches. Most responses were not fit to print, although two made it into the list this week. Turns out firemen find beauty in many forms; this is likely the result of being penned up with 6-8 other men for long stretches. Wow. It sounds more and more like prison life every time I write it out in actual words. But I digress. Without further ado or prison references I present you with your own Hall of Shame in your words:

10. “The early 80′s, looks like she’s been on crack, Blondie always was a turn on for me.” (I believe my inbred amigo from college is referring to Deborah Harry here, but as he speaks almost EXACTLY as he writes, this sentence cracks me up. God, I miss that guy.)

9.  “Courtney Love…..hands down no question. She’s busted, run-through and a little crazy at times. Right up my alley. A+” (This was NOT from the Lyrical Jackass, surprisingly enough, but the responder ranked due to his truly capturing the spirit of the Hall of Shame. Well played.)

8. “Dennis Rodman….big, black, beautiful, bad boy, basketball player” (Funny, her husband is none of these things….wait, maybe that’s the point)

7. “My secret desire would definitely be Jack Nicholson. There’s just something to his attitude towards the things he does. I’m betting he’s very intellect (wtf? love, me). Who knows? I’m also attracted to the sunglasses. There is mystery hiding behind those. I would make myself like basketball just to be sitting next to him.” (okay, so this has stalker potential of, like 10.7 . I think I love this woman)

6. “Ok, I know this is going to make you think less of me…but Drew Carey is my secret crush! That man just does it for me!” (Is it the suit? The glasses? The excessive sweating that no doubt takes place while tying his shoes? Is it because he loves Ohio? Are you crazy?)

5. “The Amish.” (I like this: succinct, disgusting, gross generalization of an entire worshipping class, this has ALL the hallmarks of someone I would consider a friend….even if it is conditional)

4. “Steve Buscemi. I have no reasonable explanation” (Despite his phenomenal dental work, I was amazed to get this answer from several respondents, two of whom were high school classmates. Shameful, people. I love it)

3. “Cloris Leachman” (The fireman who answered this is so pathetically ashamed of his secret lust for her, that he called me AFTER I posed the question, so as not to reveal his perversions to a table full of coffee swilling, judgemental co-workers. Fool. I am going to expose him at the first opportunity)

2. “Willem Dafoe in Boondock Saints”

- this is worth taking a time out and noting, because this was the response of another fireMAN at our station. I told him, that I wanted to know his REAL secret shameful lust-object and he repeated the answer. The table came close to snorting coffee out their noses collectively, and he held his position, unlike the coward of response number 3. I told him, “but dude, you’re married”. He said that he was aware of his marital status, and that until I’d seen the movie for myself I was in no place to judge him. THIS is what makes station life awesome.

1. “A carny; like right there AT THE FAIR, behind a ride or something” (this was the response from a few years back from one of The Wife’s co-workers when I first stumbled upon the idea of a Hall of Shame. And she was serious as a heart attack in her answer. It made her hotter than ever in my eyes, and is the reason it holds the number one slot. We are a freaky lot out here in Missouri, of this I am sure.)

So there’s your top ten for the week. Mine? Oh yeah……a young Bette Midler. I am now going to wash the nauseous feeling out of my throat with gasoline and coffee…..I’ll talk to you soon!

Uli Half Past Friday, Siren Songs The Wife

All right, so Friday is here again, time for your input with regards to various aspects of this crazy life. I asked you to describe the weirdest / worst piece of information you learned about someone on a first date. Apparently, dating creepy individuals was not limited to just my experience, and for that I am grateful; maybe I’m the normal one. Riiiigggghhhtt. Remember that the Half Past Friday is your turn to air grievances and otherwise. If you’re not catching the question, I try to post it early in the week on either Facebook or via email. If you catch the question there, but crave the ability to be brutally honest and anonymous, just email me your responses or top ten ideas at bluecayucos@gmail.com

Without further bull, here’s your top ten for this Friday:

10. “Hmmm…..that they were married!!!” (this seems to happen to the ladies most frequently, according to poll results, except for number 9)

9. What’s-her-name: “So, my husband was telling me…”

Me: “I’m, sorry, what?”

WHN: “What?”

Me: “Your what?”

WHN: “My husband? Yeah! He was telling me just the other day that I–”

Me: “What?”

WHN: “What? My girlfriend said that wasn’t a problem for you.”

Me: “What?”

I guess, technically I learned more about me than I did about them

(this is such a damn solid answer in terms of self awareness, in my opinion)

8. “Beggars can’t be choosers – and that’s all I got to say on the subject!” (do I detect some subtle hostility here? just me?)

7. “I know we just met, but do you believe in love at first sight?” (wow…..boiling bunnies on date #2 would be my guess)

6. “I think we might be related” (this did not bother this particular respondent at all; no surprise he’s a fireman)

5. “I dumped my first and only blind date because she was fat and ugly; I later found out I had just been staring in a mirror all night” (I still can’t believe I’m related to this clown)

4. “A date once casually informed me that he had left his wife and 2 small children (under the age of 5) in the middle of the night, without telling them, to move cross country because, ‘California just seemed like a cooler place to live than Massachusetts’ “ (awesome reply from a first time post responder….I expect more gems like these)

3. “….that they produced porn for a living.” (and she still dated him, thereby assuring her position as one of my most kick ass friends!)

2. “Her mother was in prison for murder. That was quite the icebreaker! One of those conversation smothering topics, you know. You can’t really discuss the pleasantries of the subject, and yet changing the subject seems very awkward. That was a tough date.” (and who says doctors don’t walk on the crazy side of living?)

…and in the number one slot, from the great state of Iowa we have a new number one poster…

1. “…the guy had really small child-like hands….blind date, was really bad and he kept trying to touch me….it was creepy” (I shudder as I type out this response, and yet have the urge to go eat Fair food and ride the ferris wheel)

Uli Half Past Friday

Here’s the Half Past Friday top ten list in response to the following question: “we’ve all been to a concert that has changed our life. Tell me yours and why.” Your responses were insightful as ever and I apologize that I was late in posting….it’s just that I spent the day being all “dad-like” and then smoking meat all evening. A piss poor excuse at best, but as The Wife says, when you accept an invitation to dinner, you have a moral obligation to be amusing. And we’ve had some funny folks over tonight.

10. “Santana….I was sober and remember it. Besides that, they’re excellent musicians”

9. “Jane’s Addiction…. it was like a religious experience listening to ‘Jane Says’ live with steel drums while nursing the perfect beer buzz”

8.”U2 in general…….but I have to give an honorable mention to the Def Leppard concert- can’t recall a lot of the details but seeing as how there were leaves in my bodysuit the next day, I’m pretty sure it was crazy !!” (hint: I am married to this person…..yikes)

7. “Naturally — the Grateful Dead at Shoreline” (this from a neighbor of my grandparents who I had the biggest case of butterflies over…she was so damn cool back in the day)

6. “I would say Steel Pulse at the Ventura Theatre….epic concert and I will always remember it!” (this is remarkable because it comes from Bones who can hardly remember that I am his brother)

5. “(My husband) said he saw Melissa Ethridge in Vegas and that’s when he became a lesbian”

4. “Liberace” ( a writer friend said this……and I STILL can’t tell if he was serious. This might explain why he carries a candleabra everywhere he goes….that, and the whole cape thing)

3. “The first time I saw Blink 182 on New Year’s 2001. I saw a bunch of girls all together with shirts that said “Blink Girls”. I have since devoted my life to becoming the perfect ‘Blink Girl’” (this from my “brother” Barbara)

2. “My buddy Alan said he lost his virginity after his first Willie (Nelson) concert. That is always a high point. I, on the other hand, kept my virginity after seeing Willie for the first time with my Grandmother at age eight. I learned a lot that evening at the fairgrounds on the front row with 10 or 15 bikers and my Grandmother. While she passed around a half gallon of Jack Daniels, I stuck to a quart jug of root beer. I learned alot about life that night and I think I got my first contact high.” (web designer of HalfPastAwesome)

1. “It’s a toss up. Prince….proof positive that a man can look good wearing purple high-heeled boots. Richard Marx…after the concert I made out with a band member in the elevator.”  (both answers equally classy, in my opinion)

Uli Half Past Friday Barbara, Bones, The Wife

Welcome to the birthday edition of the Half Past Friday highly scientific opinion poll. This weeks’ question was “what was the worst movie you’ve ever sat through?” Included from emails, FaceSpace updates and the like, here is the ranked scorings, in 3D. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I will celebrate turning a decrepit 35 while soaking in beer and friendship down at a local watering hole and leave you to enjoy the results of your cinematic nightmares. Here ya go:

10. The Last Dragon (this was from a Springfield, Il. fireman who thinks he’s a ninja)

9. Soul Plane w/ Snoop Dogg

8. Stop or My Mom Will Shoot (I think Buns was going for obscurity points…well played)

7. Alpha Dog

6. The Cable Guy (creepy, but in my opinion not his WORST work….but that’s me)

5. Kazaam (this from Bones, whose OCD doesn’t permit athletes to “act” or vice versa)

4. Georgia “….then I had to listen to critics call it a ‘bold performance’ which made me want to start punching people” (this ranked so high because of the personal rage it triggered in Oliver)

3. Gigli (this was almost preordained, wouldn’t you say?)

2. Plan 9 From Outer Space (high value place on randomness…smooth work, Chad)

1. “Triller(sp), by Michael Jackson. I know it’s not a movie but it SUcks so much it should be told to everyone NEVER TO WATCH”     (this made number one only because it comes from my brother Barbara, who clearly wasted those 7 years in college, hoping to become a teacher. This is a direct and exact quote, people.)

So there you have it, amigos. Enjoy your weekend, and join me down at Finnegan’s Wake tonight for a beer or three if you’re in the neighborhood. Cheers!

Uli Half Past Friday Barbara, Bones, Buns

So I’ve decided to add a new catagory to the Half Past Awesome corner of the world: the Half Past Friday Top Ten list. Each week I’ll toss a random subject out there and the answers will be harshly judged and the best will be posted. This past week I asked via FaceSpaceTwit what the lamest excuses my amigos had ever given or received when either standing someone up or being stood up. The results were, well, predictable for the most part, although there were a couple of shiners among the awful things you’ve said to others. If you have any ideas for next week’s Half Past Friday, please feel free to email them to halfpastawesome@gmail.com

So without further shenanigans here’s this weeks list

TOP TEN LAMEST REASONS YOU’VE GIVEN OR RECEIVED WHEN STANDING SOMEONE UP (OR GETTING STOOD UP):

10. I have a boyfriend (told to me….it sucked; I married her)

9.  I’m constipated

8.  I, um, “”forgot” you were having Fight Night at your house

7.  My DVR is broken and Brett Michael’s Rock Of Love is coming on

6.  I decided to get drunk with my homies at a sh**-hole bikini bar instead

5.  I have “explosive” diarrhea

4.  I am bloated (told by a guy)

3.  I can’t go out with you again. My dad says you’re a bad influence

1 (tie):  Um, sorry dude, my dog is sick

1 (tie): I just found out my ex-boyfriend is bisexual and was told to go get an AIDS test; I can’t make our date

Sometimes the truth IS better than fiction

Uli Half Past Friday