RAISING OF THE PINT GLASS

1.)  Hockey Season – I suck at hockey, but I’m really good at drinking beer afterward. And the season means the end of hot weather, the familiar stench of the locker rooms and the old familiar chest pains after each shift on the ice. I love it. All of it. I raise my cold Guinness to you, sport of lunacy.

2.) The Show-Me-State – it’s fall here, and the colors are making their annual appearance. I dig it. I dig the cold nights and the firing of the shop stove.

3.) Sea Shanties – Around this time of year, I get a real bug to go traveling. I want to see other parts of this world, and this desire to roam is succinctly addressed in several of the sea shanties blaring from these tiny computer speakers. I’d like to explore new countries, learning local customs and traditions; I think I’d start in Ireland with a tune by Flatfoot 56.

KARATE CHOP TO THE THROAT

1.) The Kardashian Family - or any “reality” television “stars”. Unless you’re seeking a familial implosion, why in the name of all that is right and good would you invite the world into your home night and day? These people are vain, attention-starved weasels who would sell their sick grandma down the road for another ten minutes of air time on the E channel. And, like justifying the horrors of Roman gladiatorial contests, the only answer I can find is “that’s what people want to see.” What people? I would lump said people and the Kardashians, Lohans, Simpsons and Jon& Kates all together and collectively chop their throats. THAT would make for good reality television.

2.) Bumper Sticker Pundits - while I agree that brevity is the soul of wit, it can also be the soul of the witless. Sticking to party lines because “you just should” is ridiculous in and of itself, and marks you in my eyes as incapable of independent thought. I give you a whack to your throat and challenge you to think for yourself for once, for crying out loud.

3.) My knees – What the hell? I am trying to get my aging ass into shape and now you want to act up, giving me shooting pains and making me stagger around like a seizure-prone silverback. I don’t appreciate it one bit, and I’d rid myself of you if I could get away with it.

Half Past Friday survey question for the October 16th.

What was your best Halloween costume ever? Those with pictures go to the top of the heap. Best of luck, make ‘em original and legit and I’ll rank the best for Friday.

Me & The Outlaw Trucker - Steamboat '09

Holiday on a  Monday – few things in life are as cherished to the same degree as a mandated holiday on the nastiest day of the week. And yes, I realize that many of us out there still have to pay homage to the grind, despite the holiday; so before you complain too much about unions and organized labor (yeah, you, Dirtbag!), it’s only a matter of time before the shift calendar mandates my working the next holiday.  I thought I’d run the ol’ Mud Labor-Day style: kicked back, a little late and full of relaxation. Now, I’m off to hydrate with a Guinness and I leave you with the winners and losers for the week. Have a good one, my friends

RAISING OF THE PINT GLASS

1. The Outlaw Trucker. I signed on for a small welding job this week, and it was Outlaw who came to my shop and supervised my actions over a frosty PBR or three. At eight in the morning. The Outlaw can weld like nobody’s business, so when he offers to impart some of his knowledge in the arena of fusing metals, you best listen. I raise my early morning pint glass to you, sir, and thank you for all the help.

2. Firefighters Local 152. This is Labor Day weekend, and I salute my fellow laborers in the Local for all of their efforts to put forth professional service, even when it seems some citizens and politicians feel the need to kick us in the teeth for a mess they created. Tough times are here, but you guys are consummate pros. A pint for the fir na tine, barkeep.

3. Dr. Ellen Ratcliff, DVM. When one of the fighting felines from the compound came home looking as though she’d tangled with an rabid wolverine, our first call was to Ellen. She’s working on the holiday, which sucks, but there’s none better to entrust with the care of one of our brawlers. Thanks, doc, I raise this cold and bold Guinness to you.

KARATE CHOP TO THE THROAT

1. Quack Docs on the internet. The Wife is in a blind rage because her mom keeps believing the utter horse squeeze that comes off of the lines, passing itself off as “medical advice”. It’s easy to spot these shysters for who they are, but then, I’m a fan of the human condition and generally trust nobody; d-bags who claim you need to rub three stones on your gut to cure cancer are as loony as Obama “Birthers” and the Black Helicopter Believers. A karate chop to you…..you’re no better than my Nigerian Prince friends who are so eager to send me my well deserved fortune. Thwack!

2. Poop Slingers. When the family went to a park today, The Heathens went on a mission to find things according to color. Something red, something orange, etc. etc. Very creative planning by The Wife. Well, when Heathen 2 was looking for something brown, guess what he pointed to – yes……a  heaping, steamy pile of dog shit left lying on the ground. If you’re gonna bring your hound to a public park, clean up after it, you thoughtless morons. Chop to your throats, you turd tossers.

3. Weird Girl in Saturn. I pulled up at the aforementioned park with the family and you were just sitting there in your car. Not on the phone. No music. Just darting your eyes back and forth as though some script were being teleprompted onto your front windshield. It was creepy, and even the vague hotness accented by the nose ring couldn’t overcome the heebie-jeebies you were exuding. What made it weirder? An hour later, you were still there, lost in your world. Maybe someone just broke your heart, and that’s a damn shame, but there’s no need for you to skeeze out in a public parking area. You set off my creep-o-meter. And I am overcome with the urge to pre-emptively chop you in the throat.

RAISING OF THE PINT GLASS

1.) The Bentons – Brad and Carie hosted one of those “Passion Parties” – but this time it was for couples. Normally the realm of hysterical giggling women, it takes a certain set of stones to go to one of these things as a man. But it takes even bigger clankers to host it. Good times were had by all (or so I’m told), and for that I raise my pilsner glass to you, amigos!

2.) Fire Station #2 – In light of the troubles with the economy, the pension fiasco and other assorted tales of woe, sometimes it takes the kind of humor firefighters slap one another with to make for a great day; this was highlighted by E—-, our new homeless friend, who came into the house and informed us that “I’m pregnant and seeping something”. Yeah, she’s pregnant and I’m the Pope. A brew for the lads.

3.) Crack Tea – when the summer months are here, one of the firehouse traditions is to brew up sweet tea the likes of which will put you into diabetic shock. Although no substitute for the beloved bean, it makes for an old-school energy drink that’ll rot your teeth and guts out. I love it. If we could drink beer on duty, I’d raise a Guinness to the institution of Firehouse Crack Tea.

KARATE CHOP TO THE THROAT

1.) Pluto haters – I grew up believing that Pluto was two things: a planet and a dog. Stupid scientists from the International Astronomical Union crushed one of those beliefs three years ago with their re-assessment of the icy planet. That’s right – it’s a planet. And today, apparently, a debate rages on as to it’s merit within the universe. I return Pluto to Full Planetary Status and chop the throat of the IAU haters. Stop with the revision of my childhood science schooling.

2.) Lindsey Lohan – she just irritates me.

3.) Steven Seagal - he’s apparently starring in a new reality series on A&E, having milked the “Killing Immigrant Drug Dealers” movie genre bone-dry. What won’t we do as a society for our fifteen minutes (extended in his case by about 20 years)? Apparently, nothing. 7th degree black belt in Aikido Karate Chop to your throat, you ponytailed putz.

HALF PAST FRIDAY SURVEY QUESTION FOR AUGUST 28TH

You’re just a small town girl (or boy), livin’ in your lonnnely world, you take the midnight train going anyyyyywhere. So tell me where you’d go, if you were to pick right now, and why. Make ‘em funny as ever, and the top five will make it onto the Friday survey. Mail the results to bluecayucos@gmail.com, then check in Friday, amigos.

RAISING OF THE PINT GLASS

1.) “Craig” from Total Wireless. This is the gentleman responsible for liberating us from the oppressive yoke of the overlords at Satellite Tyrants R’ Us internet service. Now we can join the rest of 2004 in the digital age and load more than one picture every 20 hours. A beer for Craig, at your earliest convenience.

2.) Darth Vader. Ever since the post went up about how good it is to be a bad guy, the entire family here in Rogersville has been shamelessly quoting the Dark Lord of the Sith, and catching up on Chad Vader episodes on YouTube. Somehow, Vader’s lines are endlessly quotable in every situation. Lines like telling my boys to “give in to your hatred” and gasping like an evil asthmatic. A dark ale for the Dark Lord.

3.) Heathen #1. He starts kindergarten on Wednesday, and I couldn’t be more excited for him, while a little sad at the same time. He’s gonna love school and while we can’t slow down the march of time, I miss the little version of my dude already. I raise my pint glass to you because you’re my son and I love you.

KARATE CHOP TO THE THROAT

1.) Me. I’ve headed back to the gym after a two week hiatus, and realized that anything I’d sweated off in the last five months came back with a vengeance in two weeks. I’ve even abstained from my favorite fruit of the pig (bacon) and I could still SMELL it today as I sweated like a discount hooker on the bike. I hate my own lethargic ass at times. So I chop….myself. And it hurts like hell.

2.) The Neighbors. They’ve been surprisingly quiet as of late, leaving us alone and creating minimal chaos. I am disturbed by this lack of action, which can only mean that they’re planning some sort of uprising in the near future. Plus, they’re not giving me any material to write about, thereby confirming my suspicions that they ARE out to get me. Stupid medications and coffee are not helping any. Hack, chop!

3.) Kindergarten bullies. Upon his arrival into the public school system, Heathen #1 will no doubt be confronted by the a-hole kids of a-hole parents who think that bullying is A-ok. I hated bullies then and have no use for them now. And if it comes down to it, I’ll chop socky anyone bullying my boys. Actually, I’m a firm believer in “don’t be the first to throw a punch, but make sure you’re the last.” Bullies, beware. I will wait for you. I’ve got time.

HALF PAST FRIDAY SURVEY QUESTION FOR AUGUST 21ST

Since we’re all here meeting up on the World Wide Web, tell me the very first website you go to each day and (more importantly) WHY. Make your answers honest, witty and every which way but loose. Send your responses to bluecayucos@gmail.com. Cheers to Buns, once again, for coming up with the question (God, that guy wants ALL the credit!). Have a good one, my friends!

RAISING OF THE PINT GLASS

1.) Rec League Hockey Players, et. al. – there was a rec league tournament held here in Springfield this past weekend, one that involved teams from as far away as Omaha (home of the Mutual of and the Wild Kingdom). Good folks who appreciated a good beer and the company of a bunch of wanna-be puckheads. I salute you guys! Good times were had by all!

2.) Dr. Price – after years of battling the effects of aging, gravity and those kids, The Wife finally got to have her back pain relieved by having a, er, um, “lift kit” modification. Already feeling well enough to verbally abuse me again, she is grateful to the nth degree to have had the work done. Can’t say I’m not a fan, either. A brew for you, good doctor.

3.) The Two Dudes – after putting our busted clothes dryer at the end of our gravel drive with a “free” sign on it, two Whiskey Tango specials in a beat to hell silver mini-van pulled up within the hour and loaded as fast as a shipment of stolen electronics. Bets were laid as to how fast it would take to get it ganked. I lost, but got rid of trash in the process. Ah, for cheap thrills. We toasted their boosting speed and skills by raising our cocktail glasses to their mullets as they sped off into the sunset.

KARATE CHOP TO THE THROAT

1.) Surfey the Hermit Crab – in your epic battles against Spiderman, your hermit crab compadre, you somehow ripped off one of his claws (the big one, btw) and left a once macho king of the habitat little more than a one-armed exoskeletal freak. At least get rid of the evidence, so I don’t have to explain THAT one to the youngest Heathen. Chop to you.

2.) The Month of August – you serve no purpose. Kids hate you because you represent the onset of school. I hate you due to the humidity that causes an ungodly amount of sweating in places where the sun don’t shine. My lawn hates you because you do nothing but kill it with a lack of rain. You should be stricken from existence. At the least you deserve a backhand to the throat.

3.) Whoever Is Sponsoring THAT Ad - we have an ad running around the radio dial out here stating how we are so “lucky to live in the Ozarks”. I’m telling you, whenever you have to CONVINCE people that they are lucky to live in the land of  the cheap, it just comes across as desperate and contrived. I know it costs little to live here. I know that there’s a church on every corner. And you just piss me off when you have to take out ad space to remind me of it. Especially in August. CHOP!

Half Past Friday Survey Question

It’s deserted island time – give me your one movie, one food, and one album .

Tell me the why. Make me laugh. And send your answers to bluecayucos@gmail.com

Till then, take it easy amigos……..

Lifting Of The Pint Glass

1.) The bartenders at Patton Alley Pub. No matter the time of year, the state of my day or the mental condition I’m mired in, the tap yankers at my favorite local watering hole always make me smile and keep the Guinness flowing, even when I am trying to convince them that it’s Jon Voight sitting next to me at the bar. Good people, here’s to you!

2.) Fred, from Decatur, Il. The name of the gent who bought my excavator, this guy lends credence to the concept of an honest deal sealed with a handshake. Despite a variety of sketchy potential scenarios, this guy was true to his word, and I lift my pint glass to him. (stay tuned for a future essay on the subject)

3.) The Wife. She has declared this “The Summer Of Jeena.” And so it has been. In every way possible. But, as I think about it, there are few more deserving of an entire season devoted to them, and she’s earned it. So while I’m in the shop, I’ll raise my glass to you as I slave away on as-yet un-named project for you.

Karate Chop To The Throat

1.) The Wife. It seems the nicer I am to her the saltier she is to me. I am confused and conflicted, so in my anger, I give her a Chop. Damn, it feels good. Then it hurts when she kicks me back…..real hard-like.

2.) The Holstein steer across the street. It keeps giving me the hairy eyeball, and just took a dump while chewing its cud and looking right at me. If I weren’t so damn lazy, I’d mosey across the road and give the ol’ chop socky to the throat. And I’d probably break my hand doing it, you smug bastard.

3.) People doing it out of context. C’mon, you know who you are. Nobody wants to read on Facebook that you’re leaving your wife. Least of all her. It’s supposed to be a fun social site, not a place where you air out ALL your dirty laundry. And if you insist on airing it out there, at least show pics. CHOP!

Half Past Friday Survey Question For July 31st.

Describe for the me the worst job you’ve ever held and why (I promise to keep names out). Major bonus points for an awesome firing or awkward workplace scenarios (caught-in-the-deep-freeze-with-the-boss’-wife kind of thing). Send your answers to bluecayucos@gmail.com before Thursday, I’ll rank ‘em and let you know the details on Friday. Props to Buns for coming up with this weeks’ question.

Raising Of The Pint Glass

1.) Cancer. The sign, not the disease. Today is the Lyrical Jackass’ birthday, yesterday The Wife’s and a whole slew of those closest to me have birthdays in this astrological period. Don’t know what it is about you crabs, but I dig ya, and here’s a lift of the brew to you!

2.) Amigos. While I was in a constant state of trying to run this household without The Wife’s input, I was relying on three things to make it happen: coffee, alcohol (late at night, I swear) and my friends. There was no shortage of them dropping by, calling, whatever. Now this may well be because they are amused by a breakdown of my mental state, but their reasoning is of little import. Thanks, amigos!

3.) “The Herkamator”. This is the name Heathen #2 gave to the excavator when he first decided to talk. It was the last piece of excavating equipment I owned as a result of selling off Pacific Excavating, and it finally sold this week. A pain in my ass till the end, I’ve loved that iron and it served me well. The Wife will not miss making the payments, though. So here’s to you, Herk.

Karate Chop To The Throat

1.) The Springfield News Leader. The folks running the show at this “newspaper” seem hell-bent on selling subscriptions and ad space by driving a wedge between the community and it’s public safety employees. Armed with innuendo and the opinions of some local black-helicopter types, it strives to generate mediocrity at best. CHOP!

2.) Starbucks. Screw you for making me crave you every time I get into the car. I need you and your ways, and I loathe you for it. Karate…….Chop!

3.) My own lazy ass. The whole time The Wife’s been out of town, I have yet to work out. I’m going today, but that’s only because I have a hockey game on Wednesday night, and REALLY don’t want to have a cardiac episode on ice. I hate myself for the lack of motivation, and am making chopping motions as I type this. It looks real awkward.

Half Past Friday Survey Question For July 24th

As a result of your meteoric rise to the top of your game, a big screen biopic of your life is in the works. Fortunately for you, YOU get to choose who plays the title character. Tell me who would play the role of you in this movie and why. Make it original and make ‘em funny. Email your answers to bluecayucos@gmail.com.   Tune in Friday for the results.

Raising Of The Pint Glass

1.) Old School Tradition. Recently, a battalion chief for our department had his “official” retirement party here at Station 2. Great. Cake, punch, some war stories, take care, have a good life. But then he went on to throw a shindig down at Springfield Brewing Co. a few weeks later. AND HE BOUGHT THE BEER. Nothing gets firefighters together like the prospect of free beer. I raise my glass to him for showing the class. Good luck, Chief!

2.) Alan Best. That is the real name of the character I call Nan, who happens to be my brother, and who also set a WORLD RECORD for his weight class in the bench press. 675lbs. is nothing to sneeze at. I salute you and your freaky muscles, brother. Congrats!

3.) Heathen #1. My oldest turned six years old yesterday, an event marked with an ungodly amount of Transformers toys, crack-dealer amounts of sugar and general mayhem. I am so proud of my little man; he’s a testament to great parenting….by his mother. I figure it is my job to teach him how to eat dirt, drink diesel and stay out of trouble. And when he’s old enough, I’ll take him down to my favorite watering hole and buy him a beer, so I can raise my glass to him.

Karate Chop To The Throat

1.) Work. I can’t quite justify retiring at 35, but that’s mostly because I would have to live under a bridge for the remainder of my days. I should have earned it the old fashioned way – inheritance style. That way, I could indulge the slacker lifestyle. Having worked up to this point in several knuckle-busting trades, I think I am qualified to appreciate laying back for a living.

2.) Hipster coffee server dude down at the place near the square. Look, I can see the disdain in your eyes when we walk in after shift at 7am and order up plain old coffee and begin our intense bull sessions. Your square eyeglasses and hipster-induced 70′s retro ad tee shirt just add to the fact that you look like a condescending ass. We may be just a bunch of aging blue collar bastards swilling your joe, but guess what? It provides you the means to get your faux-hawk styled and a new pair of fitted woman’s jeans, so quit giving me the hairy eyeball, or I will chop you to the throat.

3.) Bad Timing. I got it. Wish I didn’t, and I can’t shake it.

Half Past Friday Survey Question For July 17th

As a result of your meteoric rise to the top of your game, a big screen biopic of your life is in the works. Fortunately for you, YOU get to choose who plays the title character. Tell me who would play the role of you in this movie and why. Make it original and make ‘em funny. Email your answers to bluecayucos@gmail.com.   Tune in Friday for the results.

You’ve just been handed a business card by a mysterious stranger. When curiosity finally kills your cat and you call the number, the voice on the other end of the line calmly informs you that you have been selected to be the most famous person in the world starting now. You accept this as absolute fact. As well, you get to choose what it is you will be famous for; any talent, any feature, any accomplishment is yours to be had, but it can only be that one thing. WHAT WOULD BE YOU WANT TO BE GLOBALLY FAMOUS FOR?

Your picks and where they stand:

Number Ten
WHAT A GREAT QUESTION!! I’d love to be known as the person who cured cancer.  Then I would like to take my royalty checks and disappear to a self contained tropical island with all the luxuries one could dream of including an airport and several guest houses for my invited guests.

Number Nine
This is so easy, I would love to be absolutely famous or these reasons only: 1. The most popular musician in the world (even though it sounds like crap and I pump it out like clock work because other people write and make the actual music) 2. spending the most money ever on the weirdest giant playground.

Number Eight
I can honestly say that I would not want to be the most famous person in the world. I would not want the constant violations of privacy and the hounding on the streets by the paparazzi (KCTTT, by the way) and crazed fans. Therefore, if my amazing ability as a soccer player were to make me world famous, I think I would rather stay the moderately good player I am today.

Number Seven
I would want to be known around the globe as the guy who defined an entire genre of music. Kind of like Elvis is the King, Hendrix defined guitar god and Zepplin was THE definition of heavy rock, I would be “The ____” of music.

Number Six
This one here is one of your toughest and best questions. I would want to be famous for researching, developing, creating and obtaining the first super-strain (not the babylonian fiyah).  People around the globe would know me for having created the first “super strain” or seed stock that could grow in any climate, anytime of year, in any condition, in any part of the world (excluding the North and South Poles). There would be a vast array of seeds for every kind of food know  to man, that could grow anywhere, essentially ending food problems and shortages around the world. That’s a nobel prize waiting to happen. Double WHAMMMMMYYYYY!

Number Five
I already have a relatively elaborate fantasy life, and this is just the sort of question that sends my brain on a free-for-all.  While dreams of being a rock-star or winning the Nobel Peace Prize for solving world hunger are all fine and dandy, if I’m going to give in to this sort of flight of imagination, I might as well go big.  So here goes.
I would be famous as the leader of the world’s first space colony.
This satisfies my inner sci-fi geek, my natural wanderlust and my dreams of conquering the unknown.  Plus it would be super rugged and challenging and full of the unexpected.
Additionally, while this would allow me a brief window of on-Earth fame, with the requisite perks, I would NOT have to stick around for the really crappy day-to-day parts (like paparazzi, loss of privacy and inability to ever be really alone again).  I’d have a limited bubble of glory, then I’d get to run away.Like I said elaborate but considering I can’t sing and don’t play an instrument, no less likely than rock star really.

Number Four
If I could be famous for anything in the world, I would choose to be the first Taxidermist in the world to bring an animal back to life.  Instead of the “Dog Whisperer” I would be called the “Animal Awaker.”  If people are curious as to how I would be successful if I was no longer stuffing the animals, I would let them know that each family only has one chance to bring one animal back to life.  So if your dog dies once, call me to be granted twelve more years of memories, and when your dog dies twice, call me to preserve it!

Number Three
My off the cuff response was curing cancer. But then I thought, no, that’s simply not good enough.  The person who cures cancer plainly will not be famous for long – it’s a medical discovery and people just completely under-appreciate advances in medicine and science.  I’m thinking it needs to be something the world has been begging for for a long time…something most folks know they need and the rest of the population realized they needed it after they had it.  I considered a revolutionary hair-removal product – but then I realized no one got famous inventing “Nads” and here you are still fussing about hair-removal so that’s not where it’s at.  Or I could achieve something never before achieved – like Michael Phelps winning an insane amount of gold medals – but then if I get caught smoking pot everyone gets all bent out of shape. I could be internationally famous for being the world’s fattest person or largest breasted woman, or like the guy who turned himself blue taking silver supplements.  None of it will do. Frankly, I’m caving under the pressure. I can not decide what to be famous for…so I’m going with MY personal dream of discovering the preventive/eradicator of cellulite.  You heard me.  And believe me, brother, THIS would make a person famous.  For a looooooong time.

Number Two
Ok Uli, put this in your pipe and smoke it…..Disproving Darwin and any theory that we as humans evolved out of a monkey.  I’m not sure if Darwin meant well or was full of shit and it stuck like War of The Worlds or that Scientology guy.  You don’t have to buy into Jesus or Allah or Tom Cruise to see intelligent design at work.  Maybe it all stopped with Abraham or maybe the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster has it right, don’t know but I think righteous popularity would be, as it always has been, a free pass to get away with anything…cool

….and in the number one slot because this righteous genius obviously shares my dreams and aspirations in this life…….

Numero Uno
I want to be the worlds most bad-ass OUTLAW TRUCKER!!

Raising Of The Pint Glass

1.) Old-school reggae music. True, this musical genre has been described as “painfully boring” by people like Chuck Klosterman, and I will grant that the three chord pattern can get repetitive, but every person has a soundtrack to their past, and mine included the sonic stylings of reggae artists of old. I don’t give a rat’s ass about reggaeton or dancehall style. Some of my fondest memories include Peter Tosh imploring The Man to Legalize It, Toots and The Maytals telling me about their Time Tough and, of course, Bob Marley and his whole body of work. Religious cult implications aside, I can’t help but love it. And, it makes for great summer theme music.

2.) Matt the Electrician. Hotwire, as I like to call him, has provided a lot of inspiration in terms of getting my shop cleaned up. I am a social beast, and very comfortable with this fact. Cleaning up what looks like a tornado’s’ aftermath in my shop can be a bit depressing and somewhat lonely work, so Hotwire has been making regular stops in order to bark orders at me while he smokes cigarettes and drinks Diet Cokes at an alarming rate. Just what I needed. I raise my glass to you, sir.

3.) Njord, the god of wind. According to Norse mythology, this guy is responsible for the fronts and high and low pressure systems we experience. No matter his theological background, we’ve been experiencing cooler temps here in the middle of the country, and for that I am grateful. Soon the humidity of doom will be here again, but until then, if I saw this guy walk into my favorite watering hole, I’d buy him a beer. Cheers!

Karate Chop To The Throat

1.) Arsonist Dude. Look, in my experience, there aren’t too many cases of an abandoned house spontaneously combusting, so I am gonna take a huge leap of faith here and say you were responsible for our little get together on the morning of July 5th. I realize I am bypassing the Fire Marshals with all their “facts” in the case, but let’s get real; this may have been some abandoned northside pile of s**t that burned down, but it was SOMEBODY’S pile of s**t, and that’s just not cool. Chop to the throat! (ps.- I may be totally off on this, and if that’s the case, sorry, Arsonist Dude)

2.) Body Hair. I can’t, realistically, give my own throat a karate chop; believe me, I’ve tried. But if I could, I would, and it would be due to my amazing ability to grow hair. I hate it. And yes, I know how to deal with it, I just get sick of it, and I know you other hirsute bastards out there do too. CHOP! OW!(choking and hacking sounds)

3.) My neighbor. He knows why.

Half Past Friday Survey Question for July 10th

You’ve just been handed a business card by a mysterious stranger. When curiosity finally kills your cat and you call the number, the voice on the other end of the line calmly informs you that you have been selected to be the most famous person in the world starting now. You accept this as absolute fact. As well, you get to choose what it is you will be famous for; any talent, any feature, any accomplishment is yours to be had, but it can only be that one thing. WHAT WOULD BE YOU WANT TO BE GLOBALLY FAMOUS FOR? Send your answer to bluecayucos@gmail.com ; I’ll rank ‘em for Friday.