** 5/20 POST UPDATE** Read the comments from The Dirtbag to this post for a hint of the madness that rules this man!
There comes a time when normal discourse between two parties reaches an impasse. How do we get past that roadblock? The more timid among us might avoid conflict altogether, while some put their head down and forge ahead through the tense times. And then there is my favorite category of folks: those who eagerly anticipate the tension and view it as an excuse to vent all their rage, related or not. It would seem that I surround myself with those who are thrilled when trouble comes knocking.
Buns lives with the outlook that everyone else’s purpose in life is to make his better; when folks don’t seem to be on the same page, he has no problem screeching at them in parking lots. It helps that he’s like 6’10″+, so there is rarely much argument when he DOES step out of the car, unless it’s from a psychotic urban outdoorsman. The Lyrical Jackass will try his very best to convince you to bend to his will, but when he has run out of patience (this takes, like, three minutes), it’s not unusual for him to start letting his redneck roots get the best of him. This involves his complexion going through several color changes, from red to purple to sheet white. Next up, if his situation isn’t resolved, is for his eyes to pop out like golf balls and then rotate independently as he rails on (think rabid gecko), enormously long arms waving around, knocking crap off shelves as his voice ratchets up a notch or three. RoJo is a “peace” officer: need I say more?
The Dirtbag brings this anger to a new level of existence, as it permeates his very core. In his opinion, they ARE ALL out to get him, and he finds this irritating. He will rotate and swivel in the seat of his truck, cursing (loudly and with his window down) people who don’t understand the fundamentals of merging onto the highway. He reserves most of his ire for the big box home improvement stores and HGTV, as he believes that they are the ruination of the trades and “real” tradesmen, and therefore in part responsible for the major decline of this country.
The undisputed king of the realm, at least in terms of my friends, has to be Fury the Landscaper. I met him during a construction trade show, when we had booths opposite one another. Soon Fury became a customer of Pacific Excavating (my former outfit), in part because he seemed to appreciate attention to detail, something that is often overlooked in construction. We hit it off immediately, he benefiting from my obsession with digging ditches “just so”, me benefiting from getting a chance to work with a real-life Soup Nazi. This aspect of his persona is never more evident than the lunch hour. Being someone who is adverse to change, Fury almost ALWAYS takes his lunch at a Subway, but he is running out of Subways who are “doing it right” in the greater metropolitan area. You see, it is imperative that they slice his sandwich EXACTLY in half. It is even more important that they NOT use a knife that has been used to spread something as vile as mayonnaise on someone else’s order. I have been with him when he declared a Subway on the Forbidden List because they “spread his vegetables all wrong”. The difference between Fury and most of the general public is that instead of just taking the guff off of some poor slob who chose to work at Subway, Fury will DEMAND a new knife be used, or a new loaf be cut. To quote the stoner/prophet Tom Petty, he won’t back down. There is always the moment of incredulity on the employees face when Fury insists that they get a different piece of bread; THIS is the awkward moment I live for. (I also make sure that I order before him, so that I don’t get a sandwich laced with spit). He just wants the people to do their damn job, as he has said on more than one occasion. I have also been witness to his furiously punching his steering wheel hard enough that I was reasonably sure that it would somehow set off the airbag and we would both die soaring off a bridge; it took all I had not to laugh out loud, both out of a sense of respect and of self-preservation.
At the end of the day, I am thankful for people like Fury the Landscaper and The Dirtbag; they bring a little order to not only my own chaotic existence, but also to the general unruliness of this world. If some punk with three pounds of jewelry in his face wants to get a little surly while almost throwing change back at the customer, you can bet that it won’t stand with these gentlemen. When an entitled cell phone yakker barrels through a construction zone at 100 mph (true story), RoJo will be there to give them the law enforcement slap down. Buns will always be around to argue with the bums on a street corner if that’s what he deems they need. Those closest to us help keep it all in perspective. Here’s to hoping they don’t turn that furious perspective against us.
Nice site. There
Hey Uli. I love the chuck stories. You moved to the wrong part of the country if you can’t handle poor dentition! Half the counties in MO don’t even have flouride in the water because the local chiropracter says it causes cancer!
While I do not deny my righteous furry at Big Box stores claiming to service contractors who can’t even get an order correct nor shipped on time because their business organization model requires the people who actually interact with the customer to be paid the least amount possible within economic market restrictions this leads to a lower caliber of employee. The customer service representative helping us usually has a background in retail sales not the trades. This means that as soon as a special order, a non-stock item, or tragically a technical question must be responded to with critical thinking we, the customer, are out of luck.
But lets face it don’t expect A while rewarding for B. Home Depot and Lowes don’t make the bulk of their profit on selling lumber and nails. They make money selling shinny tools in fancy cases to people who just got done watching HGTV or the latest episode of Ty Pennington’s Super Fantastic Real FAST Whole House Extravaganza Make OVER.
These shows represent the zenith of America’s Bloated Consumerism. “You can have a whole new house in a week.” It may not be quality, it may not be well designed, it may not suit your needs, but it’s FAST. Have it now pay for it later and throw it away when you are bored.
A house should be like a work of art. Its design considered to meet the needs of its occupants. Its implementation painstakingly performed with skill. Most of all, the finished product is to be a demonstration of the builder’s ability. For these reasons a home (like good art) should be cherished, well maintained and enjoyed for years.
IF you expect a thing of quality don’t go with the lowest bidder and please don’t think “you can do it yourself -just as good” because some national marketing campaign tells you so. You CAN’T.
Oh, and my rage at society is rooted in people making stupid choices and then refusing to accept responsibility for those choices. If I am yelling you probably did something stupid.
I have to admit, rage can be such a turn on.
Mr Dirt Bag
I trust that you are medicated and medically supervised.
There is a reason they say birds of a feather flock together. I heart you now, I heart The Dirtbag.
And you JG…you are such a perv. Again with the birds and the feather thing…I heart you too.
So it would seem that instead of out of work shipwrights and other assorted manly types of old who would turn there attention to the art of craftsmanship when the economics of monument crafting or other assorted timeless structure construction were depressed to the point they turned to the humble, but very needed, skill of domicile manufacture we are now saddled with (with very few exceptions–like DIRTBAG) speed-fiend tradesmen who hope their work lasts till the next (under the table) cash payment they get from the home owner. It is exceeding rare to fine someone who would value and take pride in something they create lasting the next ten minutes (if they can’t see it from their house) much less into the next century. That’s not to say that the building supply industry does anyone any favors with the low bid (“best value?”) approach to raw materials. Made in China makes it cheaper and eases the consumer driven t.v. tainted multitudes into thinking that is all they need to be happy. Most people move every 5 years or so anyway so why would anyone really care what real quality is anyway. Truly a sad comment on modern American mentality where building the best and taking pride in everything you did in your life used to matter. Did I mention I just had some work done to my house?
Maybe some madness but a large grain of truth too.
all humor has at least ONE grain of truth, right?