This weeks Half Past Friday survey was a glance into what I have loosely titled The Hall of Shame. The Hall consists of those whom you find attractive, but would be loathe to admit to in polite company. I threw out all the results that were either to contrary to the title (“Courtney Cox or David Hasselhoff“; who DOESN’T love The Hoff?) or just plain too vanilla (“my married co-worker”.……pffft, that’s minor league). No, I set the bar high (or low, depending on your view) and you didn’t disappoint. I did find a bit more response from the female half of readers, and I chalk this up to fact that most guys have little to no shame, and would admit being attracted to a fence post if there was enough liquor involved. So I delved a little deeper and posed the question around the firehouse, which will ALWAYS take the disgusting factor up a few notches. Most responses were not fit to print, although two made it into the list this week. Turns out firemen find beauty in many forms; this is likely the result of being penned up with 6-8 other men for long stretches. Wow. It sounds more and more like prison life every time I write it out in actual words. But I digress. Without further ado or prison references I present you with your own Hall of Shame in your words:
10. “The early 80’s, looks like she’s been on crack, Blondie always was a turn on for me.” (I believe my inbred amigo from college is referring to Deborah Harry here, but as he speaks almost EXACTLY as he writes, this sentence cracks me up. God, I miss that guy.)
9. “Courtney Love…..hands down no question. She’s busted, run-through and a little crazy at times. Right up my alley. A+” (This was NOT from the Lyrical Jackass, surprisingly enough, but the responder ranked due to his truly capturing the spirit of the Hall of Shame. Well played.)
8. “Dennis Rodman….big, black, beautiful, bad boy, basketball player” (Funny, her husband is none of these things….wait, maybe that’s the point)
7. “My secret desire would definitely be Jack Nicholson. There’s just something to his attitude towards the things he does. I’m betting he’s very intellect (wtf? love, me). Who knows? I’m also attracted to the sunglasses. There is mystery hiding behind those. I would make myself like basketball just to be sitting next to him.” (okay, so this has stalker potential of, like 10.7 . I think I love this woman)
6. “Ok, I know this is going to make you think less of me…but Drew Carey is my secret crush! That man just does it for me!” (Is it the suit? The glasses? The excessive sweating that no doubt takes place while tying his shoes? Is it because he loves Ohio? Are you crazy?)
5. “The Amish.” (I like this: succinct, disgusting, gross generalization of an entire worshipping class, this has ALL the hallmarks of someone I would consider a friend….even if it is conditional)
4. “Steve Buscemi. I have no reasonable explanation” (Despite his phenomenal dental work, I was amazed to get this answer from several respondents, two of whom were high school classmates. Shameful, people. I love it)
3. “Cloris Leachman” (The fireman who answered this is so pathetically ashamed of his secret lust for her, that he called me AFTER I posed the question, so as not to reveal his perversions to a table full of coffee swilling, judgemental co-workers. Fool. I am going to expose him at the first opportunity)
2. “Willem Dafoe in Boondock Saints”
– this is worth taking a time out and noting, because this was the response of another fireMAN at our station. I told him, that I wanted to know his REAL secret shameful lust-object and he repeated the answer. The table came close to snorting coffee out their noses collectively, and he held his position, unlike the coward of response number 3. I told him, “but dude, you’re married”. He said that he was aware of his marital status, and that until I’d seen the movie for myself I was in no place to judge him. THIS is what makes station life awesome.
1. “A carny; like right there AT THE FAIR, behind a ride or something” (this was the response from a few years back from one of The Wife’s co-workers when I first stumbled upon the idea of a Hall of Shame. And she was serious as a heart attack in her answer. It made her hotter than ever in my eyes, and is the reason it holds the number one slot. We are a freaky lot out here in Missouri, of this I am sure.)
So there’s your top ten for the week. Mine? Oh yeah……a young Bette Midler. I am now going to wash the nauseous feeling out of my throat with gasoline and coffee…..I’ll talk to you soon!