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***WARNING: THE CONTENTS OF THIS WEEKS’ SURVEY ARE RACY & WILL MOST LIKELY, NO DEFINITELY, OFFEND THE SENSITIVE, THE YOUNG & THE MORE PROPER AMONG US!!***

Friday! At last! And to complete your work week, I have the results of yet another survey for you. The Half Past Friday poll was posed as thus: tell me 5 things in your nightstand. The only requirement was that you be honest. (This question was posed by a frequent reader of the site, so 10,000 points to You-Know-Who-You-Are.) And while I had no idea that firearms and personal, er, enhancers were so prevalent next to your bedside, I was impressed by the turnout of responses here; to date, this survey question has had the most answers. My notes are in red…the rest are how I received them. You wrote ’em, I ranked ’em. Props to you, and here we go:

Number 10.

Okay here’s 5 things that are in my would-be-nightstand, except for the fact that the janitor’s closet lacks said nightstand with said drawer. These items are laid out as though there were a nightstand.

5.) Lighter (BIC, not white)  (We are living in an OCD world, people. Get on board)

4.) The Upanishads  (And yes, I had to Google this one too)

3.) High Times Magazine (Surprise, surprise)

2.) Burt’s Bees Lipbalm (Smoke damage, perhaps?)

1.) Pair o glasses (How else to keep the red eyes hidden?)

Number 9.

I’m busier than a one-legged man at a butt kicking party today and my staff is going to kill me for slacking so long…..having said that, I’m addicted to the polls and MUST participate.

5.) The bible – sometimes I read aloud stories from the Old Testament and say “can you believe those people were so very scandalous?” (Hold up…are you Amish? But then, how would you be reading this? Confusion reigns…)

4.) The dictionary – I often read books above my vocabulary level and have to verify definitions. Like brazier. WTF is that? I could tell you because I looked it up the other night.  (so wordy, you studette)

3.)  Whatever book I’m reading – right now it’s “Lamb – the gospel according to Biff, Christ’s childhood friend” and “The Watchmen” comic book. Awesome.  (Eclectic taste, bold choices)

2.) Chewed up gum I spit out just before falling asleep last night – well, it’s on top of a piece of tissue. —- makes sure I spit my gum out every night. Yes, I chew gum even after I brush my teeth for bed. I’m a compulsive gum chewer. (And apparently a confessor of sorts; “guilt” is the aftertaste of your brand of gum)

1.) Now for the confession part…….I do have the new “Yours +Mine” you see the ads for on tv. Ha ha, it’s like 2 fun slippery substances that when mixed together create some magic. We read the ingredients – it’s menthol. Real magical. I get so suckered in by advertisements. And it was on sale at Walgreens. Who doesn’t want a discount rate romp occasionally? (I can’t even write this out with a straight face)

Number 8.

Well let’s see,

5.) About 20 bucks in change (The cost of approximately one gallon of gas in Cali.)

4.) Some sunglasses (What’s going on with the consistency of this answer? Do you people wear your sunglasses at night? And if so, to bed, even? I am way late on this trend, apparently)

3.) My pistol. (Dude, I know you live in poverty-level-squalor. Is home invasion really an issue?)

2.) My pistol ammo. (Exactly how many rounds do you expect to plug into your non-existent home invader?)

1.) …and phone charger  (Curious that you would have one of these, since you seem to eschew all forms of modern communication)

Number 7.

5.) Latex condoms (I am allergic to latex, so why are they in there?) and may I comment on the one condom that my husband confiscated from his 17 year old sister (yeah that’s gonna stop her)  (Indeed, how can I respond to this?)

4.) Sanitizer gel, I’m guessing for my reaction to the latex that lays in my nightstand.  (Not exactly what I’d label a “sound medical solution” to a latex allergy.)

3.) Old toothbrush used for cleaning the bathroom, why my son needs to hide this from me in here I have no idea. I’m glad he doesn’t have the allergy his mother does!  (Well,this just keeps going in new directions)

2.)  Breaking Dawn book, oh how I wish I could get the makeup bid for that movie. Mmmmm….let’s not go there today. (I can’t see why not…we’ve been all over the map so far)

1.)  The Book for Dummies, How to Heal Anything. Maybe  I need to explain it more. The dangerous things I have laying around my house. Hmmm… (Whatever they are, I am sure any damage can be healed using sanitizer gel and an old toothbrush)

Number 6.

5.) Wedding ring (Reasonable enough, from someone who at the outset APPEARS reasonable)

4.) Belt (No elaboration on whether or not it is for his pants or otherwise)

3.) Lube (…so there’s that)

2.) Vibrators (Ok, so now I am squeamish typing this out…but just a little)

1.) 00 Buck shotgun shells (Are things really gonna get that out of hand?)

Number 5.

2—-    (what the HELL is this? Numbers and blanks?  How am I supposed to gauge what you have if you are self editing? But, I must admit, I’m intrigued)

1—-   (Now you’re just being coy. STOP IT. IMMEDIATELY.)

and two f**kin’ books (So, it’s not  enough to just be elusive, but you’re gonna be surly too? What, are you running for re-election, Senator?)

Number 4.

I realize this is just your excuse for some voyeuristic perversion, but here it is, in no particular order:

5.) Various birthday and anniversary cards. (You know why we men hoard these things? So later on, during a huge, unrelated  argument, we can pull them out when being accused of “not caring enough”. HA!)

4.) Trojans (Apparently, despite all the kids, someone is STILL a playa. Sly dog, you)

3.) X-rated candy hearts (Wow….he’s good)

2.) I.O.U. the Game of Hidden Pleasure  (Now I just feel downright neglectful of MY wife…damn)

1.) “Finger” massagers.  (Dang. No wonder the marriage is still going strong after all these years.)

No id’s, right, Uli?

Number 3.

5.) Love letter (It sounds pretty innocent at first)

4.) Rosary (Ok, so maybe I’ll stay away from any acidic comments on this)

3.) Lip gloss (What IS it with you people and dry lips?)

2.) Lotion (What? You got dry hands, too?)

1.) 9mm Glock (…….and BOOM! There you have it, romance, religious icon, lubrication and a firearm; all the right ingredients for a great night at home!)

Number 2.

I really debated the general merits of answering this question. Keep in mind, I’m a single girl in the big city.

5.) Carmex (I’m getting familiar with this theme)

4.) Hand lotion (This issue has already been addressed)

3.) Condoms (Well, it’s patently obvious these nightstands are all prophylactic fantastic)

2.) Restraints (Where were these kinds of girls when I was single? Clearly I was wading in the shallow end of the dating pool)

1.) Batteries (No comment!) (None needed!)

Number 1.

You suck – you f**king suck because I know you know what the f**k is in my nightstand because the NOT Awesome — —— loves to tell that story and you know I won’t lie about it:

F**ker.  (ps. I never was told this story….so double the fun!)

5.) SystemJo lube (I have NEVER heard of this product, not even once, but it sounds like it might have come from a Fletch movie or something.)

4.) SystemJo massage oil (orange blossom) (Whoever this Jo guy is, he’s one twisted sister)

3.) C**t vibe  (Not too sure if that’s EXACTLY how it is described on the packaging….but then again, what do I know?)

2.) Anal beads (okay, I just threw up a little. Right into a coffee mug)

1.) Slapjacket (Is this what the kids are calling condoms these days? Damn, I AM getting old)

Eat a d**k.  (Enough hostility here to warrant a Dateline Special……”I’m Chris Hansen, why don’t you have a seat.”(ala To Catch A Predator))