Half Past Friday ~ June 19th

Friday, Friday, Friday! For all you 9-to-5’ers out there, this is the day of the week you’re living for. For us poor shift-type slobs, it just means a busier night, for this is when the northside knuckleheads get their party groove on. Then they fight. Then they bleed. Then they call us. BUT, I digress. You’re here to check out the Half Past Friday survey, I’m here to help. The question posed was thus: “here’s one of those good news / bad news scenarios….so on your way to work this morning your 1982 Honda Civic was carjacked…bad news. Worse news: the carjacker is the Grim Reaper. It’s your time. Worst news: the iPod of the afterlife is broken and only plays three songs. Good news: you get to pick ’em. Tell me your three and why. P.S.~  there are no more points for hipster factor; obscurity does not necessarily gain favor. If “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred is your choice for the eternal afterlife, fine……just be prepared to explain why”. And here you go, ranked as ever by our scientific squad of Guinness swillers:

Number 10.

1.) Kashmir – Led Zepplin

2.) Deep in It – Saint Germain

3.) Sexual Healing – Marvin Gay

And I would never – no matter how bad it got – be caught dead in an 1982 Honda Civic. I’ll take a Lesbaru anyday

Number 9.

Good News: I was able to buy a car when I turned 16, in turn being one of the first people in my class to have his own car, and raise my social status.  Bad news: it was a red Volkswagen Sirocco

Number 8.

1.) Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy

2.) Bohemian Rhapsody

3.) The Pina Colada Song

All because I have fond memories of these songs and some of my best people in the whole world and of driving in the car with the windows down.

Bonus Song: “Shorty Got Low.” Because it’s today’s “Baby Got Back.”

Number 7.

1.)  Devils’ Playground– Gram Rabbit (Because if my playlist only has three songs, I have no doubts about where I am)

2.)  Carry on Wayward Son-Kansas (Because it is epic).

3.)  Canned Heat– Jamiroquai (Because then there’d be “nothing left for me to do but dance”).

Number 6.

1.)  Sweet Child O Mine – Guns and Roses. It takes me back to my mullet days of redneck rebellion and white trash women.

2.) Jessie’s Girl – Rick Springfield. I hate this freakin’ song, and my wife loves it, and she has passed that on to my daughters, who now love to sing it just to annoy Daddy. It bring a huge smile to their faces, which, even though its an annoying song, it makes me think of my daughters smiles.

3.) Margaritaville – Jimmy Buffet. It doesn’t matter which way I go, up or down, its a party song, and I just like the song.

Number 5.

1.) Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkel.  It might seem lame, but it’s not so annoyingly infectious that it sticks in your head (like the Andy Griffith whistling theme song) thereby making you insane. And I’ve loved it since I was like 4 years old. Indeed it’s my favorite song.

2.) Moon River by Andy Williams.  It’s just so wonderful. As clear as day I can see my grandparents holding each other close waltzing around the floor of the American Legion or their living room to this song.  When combined with the cigarette smoke and whiskey smells, it seemed the most romantic and classically timeless song.

I was seriously torn by the 3rd song.  Do I go with something like Hero of the Day by Metallica that I love to hear every time it comes on?  Do I go with something fun?  Ultimately it came down to knowing that I would NEED to bust a move in the afterlife.

3.) Funky Cold Medina by Tone Loc.  Because every 3rd song I’m gonna dance like there’s no tomorrow.

Number 4.

1.) Something In the Way She Moves – James Taylor   – It’s mellow and I used to sing it to —– all the time so it would remind me of her.

2.) It Takes Two – Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock  – Sometimes you just gotta get your dance on…did somebody say running man?

3.) Three Little Birds – Bob Marley  – Although I would prefer to have some 30 minute mix of Bob for #3, I thought that it might be considered cheating.  Three Little Birds is uplifting and cheery.

Number 3.

1.) Sick Boy by Social Distortion-This song is the exact description of the image I wanted to portray since high school.  Hip tough guy image quickly turned to in-debt overweight dialysis patient…..damn!!

2.)  Riders in the Sky by Johnny Cash-Being offered a second chance after a mean, nasty, godless life…..ahh second chances, and anything Johnny sings should be gospel.

3.)  Casey Jones by the Dead- Cause I do want to “ride that train high on cocaine”

And I would still do some grooving to Marvin with Willem Dafoe

Number 2.

So here I sit in contemplation of eternal song.  My first thought is, of course, to take a mini disc of my “Best Loved Hits.”   Any three songs from Pink Floyd will do (…the band is just fantastic, that is really what I think…) As I ponder this and thumb through my, mostly pirated, music archives (thanks Mike-the-Banger) it occurs to me that after a while this lovely forever-loop just might get a bit monotonous.  Even if I only cue up the Heavenly three-track once every million years, forever is a mighty long time, and I’d bet they would get pretty old in (relatively) short order.

Why would I want to take music that I love and relegate it to the “I absolutely wish I was deaf” playlist?

So I  think I will go with three that I already hate.  My “Worst Loved Hits”:
1.) Anything from anyone who sounds anything like Rick Astley. Remember him? I didn’t think so.
2.) Anything from the Top Gun Soundtrack.
3.) Anything from any country artist that relies on play-on-word lyrics like- “After the  quick, rough ride, she pardoned my horse, but her posse wished I’d been hung.”

On second thought, my “Worst Loved Hits” suck.  Bad plan.
Really, I suppose, the list will depend on where I end up.  That’s how the story goes, right?  Good boys and girls go to Heaven.  A world of never ending happiness, you can always see the Sun, day, or night…  But all the rest (a multitude) are banished to the other place.
So if my tithes are paid up, and my picture is found in the church membership directory (and therefore my name written in “The Book”), this is my Heavenly list (these songs will be blasted through a cosmic amplifier loud enough for the unforgiven  to hear from the “Hot Zone”, lest they forget where they are):

1.) Who will save your soul? – Jewel

2.) The winner takes it all – ABBA

3.) I guess that’s why they call it the blues – Elton John

More realistically, here’s my list:

1.) Ring of fire – Johnny Cash

2.) 12” 3 speed oscillating fan – Big Smith

3.) (screaming loudly with a choir of teeth gnashers, gesturing wildly Heavenward)  Wish you were here – Pink Floyd

Number 1.

My Grim Reaper, Death Has Come, all-time, top-three songs,  in chronological order, are as follows:
1.) Dogs, from Pink Floyd’s Animals, Track 2.
If I am only allotted 3 songs for the rest of Eternity, why not add one of the best classic rock songs ever.

2.)Mayonnaise (from Smashing Pumpkins’ Album Siamese Dream, Track 9).
This song sort of reminds me of death, nuff said.

3.) Peaceful World (from Jamie Safts’ Breadcrumb Sins, Track 9).
Another great song to aimlessly wander the celestial planes.
And there you have it, Mr. Death man.

I’m not sure if I’ll be stuck listening to a continuous loop of these 3 songs over and over or if I can choose one song to listen to for a day then the next the next day, etc.  But after careful consideration I’ve decided it would be best to have 3 somewhat different songs (i.e. not 3 Insane Clown Posse songs because that would just get old) – you know, I’ll throw in a little variety to my 3 song selections.