I’m now on my fourth cup of coffee, and have yet to clear the cobwebs out. The house is empty, the only commitment, like, three hours from now and music is thumping out in the background; you’d think the muse would be practically giving me a lap dance here, but alas, she is off giving some OTHER guy inspiration and I am left devoid of any wit or humor. So that’s MY Monday to this point. Perhaps this is the price I pay for a jag of normalcy around here. What I need is The Wife to chase me around the shop with a broken beer bottle accusing me of crimes I may have, indeed, committed. THAT’S when the inspiration starts hitting me in waves. I give you the post-holiday Raising Of The Pint Glass / Karate Chop To The Throat list here as well as the Half Past Friday survey question. Email me your answers at email@example.com . Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go antagonize my sweet bride in the hopes of fresh material.
Raising Of The Pint Glass
1.) Old-school reggae music. True, this musical genre has been described as “painfully boring” by people like Chuck Klosterman, and I will grant that the three chord pattern can get repetitive, but every person has a soundtrack to their past, and mine included the sonic stylings of reggae artists of old. I don’t give a rat’s ass about reggaeton or dancehall style. Some of my fondest memories include Peter Tosh imploring The Man to Legalize It, Toots and The Maytals telling me about their Time Tough and, of course, Bob Marley and his whole body of work. Religious cult implications aside, I can’t help but love it. And, it makes for great summer theme music.
2.) Matt the Electrician. Hotwire, as I like to call him, has provided a lot of inspiration in terms of getting my shop cleaned up. I am a social beast, and very comfortable with this fact. Cleaning up what looks like a tornado’s’ aftermath in my shop can be a bit depressing and somewhat lonely work, so Hotwire has been making regular stops in order to bark orders at me while he smokes cigarettes and drinks Diet Cokes at an alarming rate. Just what I needed. I raise my glass to you, sir.
3.) Njord, the god of wind. According to Norse mythology, this guy is responsible for the fronts and high and low pressure systems we experience. No matter his theological background, we’ve been experiencing cooler temps here in the middle of the country, and for that I am grateful. Soon the humidity of doom will be here again, but until then, if I saw this guy walk into my favorite watering hole, I’d buy him a beer. Cheers!
Karate Chop To The Throat
1.) Arsonist Dude. Look, in my experience, there aren’t too many cases of an abandoned house spontaneously combusting, so I am gonna take a huge leap of faith here and say you were responsible for our little get together on the morning of July 5th. I realize I am bypassing the Fire Marshals with all their “facts” in the case, but let’s get real; this may have been some abandoned northside pile of s**t that burned down, but it was SOMEBODY’S pile of s**t, and that’s just not cool. Chop to the throat! (ps.- I may be totally off on this, and if that’s the case, sorry, Arsonist Dude)
2.) Body Hair. I can’t, realistically, give my own throat a karate chop; believe me, I’ve tried. But if I could, I would, and it would be due to my amazing ability to grow hair. I hate it. And yes, I know how to deal with it, I just get sick of it, and I know you other hirsute bastards out there do too. CHOP! OW!(choking and hacking sounds)
3.) My neighbor. He knows why.
Half Past Friday Survey Question for July 10th
You’ve just been handed a business card by a mysterious stranger. When curiosity finally kills your cat and you call the number, the voice on the other end of the line calmly informs you that you have been selected to be the most famous person in the world starting now. You accept this as absolute fact. As well, you get to choose what it is you will be famous for; any talent, any feature, any accomplishment is yours to be had, but it can only be that one thing. WHAT WOULD BE YOU WANT TO BE GLOBALLY FAMOUS FOR? Send your answer to firstname.lastname@example.org ; I’ll rank ’em for Friday.
ROTPG to the hot ass serving me Shiners, jaeger bombs, shots o’ crown, vegas bombs, irish car bombs (see a theme here?), and a myriad of other beverages last night that have turned my liver into a rotten, leaking sponge.
KCTTT to the hot ass serving me Shiners, jaeger bombs, shots o’….jeez. Too tired to write it again. You get the picture.
It may well be time for an intervention, Lyrical Jackass. I am here for you.