Manic Monday has once again meandered in and let the world know that while the weekends may belong to you, your ass belongs to The Man, and his name is J-O-B. For some folks, that is. Around here, The Wife has been gone for something like 4, maybe 14, days on a “Girls Trip” to Florida. That equates into a complete breakdown here on the home front. I’ve declared Martial Law, The Heathens countered with anarchy and chaos, and somehow this morning I woke up to a Transformer toy being shoved up my nose. Well played, boys. Counting on the old mans’ need for sleep is working in your favor. Probably best if I just hand you, the reader, this weeks Raising Of The Pint Glass / Karate Chop To The Throat and the survey question for Friday. It SHOULD look familiar. Email me your answers: email@example.com before Friday, and then tune in. I believe in you. Until then, here’s the weeks heroes and villains:
Raising Of The Pint Glass
1.) Cancer. The sign, not the disease. Today is the Lyrical Jackass’ birthday, yesterday The Wife’s and a whole slew of those closest to me have birthdays in this astrological period. Don’t know what it is about you crabs, but I dig ya, and here’s a lift of the brew to you!
2.) Amigos. While I was in a constant state of trying to run this household without The Wife’s input, I was relying on three things to make it happen: coffee, alcohol (late at night, I swear) and my friends. There was no shortage of them dropping by, calling, whatever. Now this may well be because they are amused by a breakdown of my mental state, but their reasoning is of little import. Thanks, amigos!
3.) “The Herkamator”. This is the name Heathen #2 gave to the excavator when he first decided to talk. It was the last piece of excavating equipment I owned as a result of selling off Pacific Excavating, and it finally sold this week. A pain in my ass till the end, I’ve loved that iron and it served me well. The Wife will not miss making the payments, though. So here’s to you, Herk.
Karate Chop To The Throat
1.) The Springfield News Leader. The folks running the show at this “newspaper” seem hell-bent on selling subscriptions and ad space by driving a wedge between the community and it’s public safety employees. Armed with innuendo and the opinions of some local black-helicopter types, it strives to generate mediocrity at best. CHOP!
2.) Starbucks. Screw you for making me crave you every time I get into the car. I need you and your ways, and I loathe you for it. Karate…….Chop!
3.) My own lazy ass. The whole time The Wife’s been out of town, I have yet to work out. I’m going today, but that’s only because I have a hockey game on Wednesday night, and REALLY don’t want to have a cardiac episode on ice. I hate myself for the lack of motivation, and am making chopping motions as I type this. It looks real awkward.
Half Past Friday Survey Question For July 24th
As a result of your meteoric rise to the top of your game, a big screen biopic of your life is in the works. Fortunately for you, YOU get to choose who plays the title character. Tell me who would play the role of you in this movie and why. Make it original and make ‘em funny. Email your answers to firstname.lastname@example.org. Tune in Friday for the results.
There’s nothing like waking up with an action figure up your nose. One time my kids tried making me shit myself by putting a fake spider on my face while I was asleep. I’m terrified of spiders, by the way.
I will contine on by saying that they will never.do.that.again.
I hope you survive the rest of your solo parenting days.
Candice…….although it’s not too likely that I would soil my pants over Transformers, it’s highly likely that I am contributing to the onset of an aneurysm by way of the rage I feel at those toys. Survived the time, now picking up the pieces of my sanity. I think they’re near the remnants of my dignity