FINALLY!! I begged, cajoled, harassed and browbeat you into giving me the goods for the Half Past Friday survey, and although it took you two weeks, you came through like freakin’ rock stars! As I sit here, far down in this delicious box of red wine and ranking these answers, I am again reminded how lucky I am to be surrounded by the finest minds on the internet; at least, as compared to the folks who continually remind me I’ve won some sort of lottery in Kenya. So, here was your question:

As a result of your meteoric rise to the top of your game, a big screen biopic of your life is in the works. Fortunately for you, YOU get to choose who plays the title character. Tell me who would play the role of you in this movie and why.

And here’s where they stand after intense debate with none other than myself. I hope you have a weekend full of stories that are unfit for print. If that’s the case, give me a call. Oh yeah,  my responses are those in red; you already knew this, but I thought I would flog the dead horse.

Annnnnnnddddd away we go:

Number Ten
Ok, this is hard.  I’m confusing what movie star I want to be vs. who would play me.  My first thought was Demi Moore, not that I look like her but I hope to age as well as she has, plus she gets to have relations with Ashton Kutcher!  Anyway, I’ve been told I look like Minnie Driver, so she would be the one to play me minus the British accent.

Yeah, you can’t pick Demi just because you want to engage in “relations” with Ashton. But Minnie? She’s A-Ok. And the accent is super-foxy, so don’t lose it.

Number Nine
Here is my celebrity-as-me-in-the-best-movie-ever-made answer. Afraid that the wit you requested may not be present, but i actually came up with an answer that is so right, it would really be a shame if this movie doesn’t get made. Or–shudder to think it–some other actress played me. When I was 11 I broke my arm snowboarding. It was 1988 and “Heathers” and “Beetle Juice” were recently released. Because I had dark hair, was pale, and had a serious expression (I did have a broken arm after all), the doctor who took care of me remarked on my resemblance to Winona Ryder. He even went so far as to suggest that I get a black cast because Winona’s character in “Beetle Juice” wore all black. I settled on purple. No one else has ever mentioned that I look like any celebrity, ever.
Then this AmEx add came out: http://images.eonline.com/eol_images/Entire_Site/20080923/293.fey.amexad.092308.jpg
If she could ignore her recent wild career success, based on the look of her office, and her kid, and the expression on her face, she wouldn’t need to do any research to play me. She really wouldn’t need to act. Or change her hair. Or wear contacts… I just so happen to be watching “30 Rock” right now. It would be an honor if Tina took the role.

You make a valid comparison, with solid reasoning. Of course, you are my pseudo-friends’ little sister, so I am inclined to say “EWWWW….”, because those ladies are ultra-smooth, but again, the whole “little sister” thing comes into play. I am confused, yes?

Number Eight
It may seem like an odd choice but….Michael Cera (From Superbad, Juno & Arrested Development).
In anticipation of your confusion:
1.) I know he’s a boy, but I’m cool with gender neutral casting.  Nothing I’ve done with my life couldn’t have been done by a boy.  It’s not like I’ve given birth.
2) Yes he is young, but I resolutely refuse to acknowledge that I am out of my twenties (creaky knees be damned!).
Why him then?  It’s simple. He somehow manages to make geeky, oddballs seem charming and appealing.
That is all.

That may be the creepiest answer I’ve gotten to date. And yet…..yet, it makes perfect sense. Color me impressed. Color me drunk, too.

Number Seven
I gotta go with Elizabeth Berkley.  After that stunning performance in Showgirls, what can’t she do?!  Or Anthony Hopkins.

Interesting that you would pick such polar extremes when it comes to showcasing your, um, talent. I know now that my initial analysis of you was RIGHT on the money, not just a byproduct of mixing up my medications.

Number Six
First of all, I cannot get past anyone doing a movie about ME, it makes me a little uncomfortable. However, the two choices (one might not be available) would be Kevin James (I’ve had people tell me I remind them of him), or Drew Carey (I used to have a flat top, when I had hair). They could probably interact with those residing on the north side with the same, shall we call it tact, that I do. And, Alan does refer to me as the chubby, attractive, bald guy.

I think you flatter yourself, sir. I know you.

Number Five
If I get to choose who plays me then I’ll choose Halle Berry. Nope, I’m neither hot nor black – but artistic license allows it. If I were being realistic it would be Renee Zellweger because she can pack on pounds for a movie role. Sigh.

I happen to think Renee is extremely hot, this is why you’ve made the list. That, and your firm grasp on your reality.

Number Four
My first thoughts turn to Clooney or Pitt, but alas while they come close to conveying my boyish good looks and rock like physique, they aren’t quite right.  To be convincing an actor would need the commanding voice of Vincent Price, the rugged good looks of Harrison Ford, the comedic timing of Fred Sanford, the dramatic flair of Charo, the lightly bronzed, beautiful skin of George Hamilton, and the robust physical stature of Dom DeLuise.  Who you ask yourself can possibly fill the impossible task at hand????……YES it can only be THE HOFF!!

I like all, and I mean ALL of the references. There is no reason to NOT include Charo, as she is one spicy jalapeno who commands my every passion. And the Hoff reference….it gets no better than this, people. No, it doesn’t.

Number Three
Sam Shepard would be the person playing my role in the big screen biopic of my life. For one, “The Right Stuff” hits all too close to home with my love and fascination with all things aviation, and him as Chuck Yeager was downright badass. If he could pull that role off perfectly as a hot-shot test pilot with nuts the size of a medicine ball, I’m in. We’d have to rewind back to 1982-ish, because he is gettin’ old these days!

Of course, to rewind to “1982-ish”, we’d have to go two years before you were brought dragging and screaming into this world. I don’t mean to split hairs, but……..wait, yes, yes I DO like to split hairs.

Number Two
It is important for the actresses to be able to connect with their character so I chose woman that can empathize with the chapters in my life.  With that in mind, I cast Lindsay Lohan as a young version of myself.  Not only did the early Lohan physically resemble me with her red hair and freckled face;  we were both sweet and innocent in our youth.  Seems Lindsay went a little further off the deep end than I care to go so I think she needs to step off the set when she hits her late teens.  Marcia Cross from Desperate Housewives seems an appropriate choice for my early married years; the pursuit of perfection drives her character to kill her husband.  I kid I kid.  Before I get to the point of actually killing B—, Marcia takes a bow and Mae West enters the scene.  Like West, I am constantly being censored (by the hubs).  A writer and singer known for her quick quips, Mae could ask for a cup of coffee and someone would look for a double meaning.  Too bad she is dead….finally someone who could hang with me.

Plus, by having all those personalities, that would dovetail nicely with your multiples. But Lindsay? Knowing her now? Not so much…….

Number One
OK, so of course I would want Brad Pitt in full Oceans 11-12-13 costume design to play me. I’d be cool, smart, and too slick for all of society’s rules. Yes, the heart of my Uber-man complex is this delusion of grandeur.The hard fact of the matter is I am nothing like my distorted grandiose self-image. The accurate actor portrayal of my character should be handled by Nick Nolte in 48Hours. Reasonably unhinged with a poor wardrobe and a crappy ride.

Bravo to you, sir, for recognizing. And, when your name comes up, that mug shot of Nolte HAS been known to cross my mind. It’s why you’re my friend.