There has been too long since last we met for the Monday Mud. I thought that for new readers, it might help to run through the rules, so that we can have some more interaction and this becomes more than just a vain rant. Each Monday, I put up the Monday Mud, wherein I give three things the “Raising Of The Pint Glass” and three things the “Karate Chop To The Throat”. If you have any ideas, or items that need to be either lauded or chopped in the windpipe, drop me a line, and I’ll put it in for the next week. Also, at the bottom of Moday’s post there is a survey question to which I want your responses. The wittier and funnier they are, the better chance of them making the top ten list, which is posted the next Friday, after a night of imbibing and scientific ranking. Many of you out there are far funnier than I could be, so it’s YOU to whom I appeal. I hope you find your wit, and when you do, send your answer to firstname.lastname@example.org Now, it’s on to this weeks heroes and villains………
RAISING OF THE PINT GLASS
1.) Rec League Hockey Players, et. al. – there was a rec league tournament held here in Springfield this past weekend, one that involved teams from as far away as Omaha (home of the Mutual of and the Wild Kingdom). Good folks who appreciated a good beer and the company of a bunch of wanna-be puckheads. I salute you guys! Good times were had by all!
2.) Dr. Price – after years of battling the effects of aging, gravity and those kids, The Wife finally got to have her back pain relieved by having a, er, um, “lift kit” modification. Already feeling well enough to verbally abuse me again, she is grateful to the nth degree to have had the work done. Can’t say I’m not a fan, either. A brew for you, good doctor.
3.) The Two Dudes – after putting our busted clothes dryer at the end of our gravel drive with a “free” sign on it, two Whiskey Tango specials in a beat to hell silver mini-van pulled up within the hour and loaded as fast as a shipment of stolen electronics. Bets were laid as to how fast it would take to get it ganked. I lost, but got rid of trash in the process. Ah, for cheap thrills. We toasted their boosting speed and skills by raising our cocktail glasses to their mullets as they sped off into the sunset.
KARATE CHOP TO THE THROAT
1.) Surfey the Hermit Crab – in your epic battles against Spiderman, your hermit crab compadre, you somehow ripped off one of his claws (the big one, btw) and left a once macho king of the habitat little more than a one-armed exoskeletal freak. At least get rid of the evidence, so I don’t have to explain THAT one to the youngest Heathen. Chop to you.
2.) The Month of August – you serve no purpose. Kids hate you because you represent the onset of school. I hate you due to the humidity that causes an ungodly amount of sweating in places where the sun don’t shine. My lawn hates you because you do nothing but kill it with a lack of rain. You should be stricken from existence. At the least you deserve a backhand to the throat.
3.) Whoever Is Sponsoring THAT Ad – we have an ad running around the radio dial out here stating how we are so “lucky to live in the Ozarks”. I’m telling you, whenever you have to CONVINCE people that they are lucky to live in the land of the cheap, it just comes across as desperate and contrived. I know it costs little to live here. I know that there’s a church on every corner. And you just piss me off when you have to take out ad space to remind me of it. Especially in August. CHOP!
Half Past Friday Survey Question
It’s deserted island time – give me your one movie, one food, and one album .
Tell me the why. Make me laugh. And send your answers to email@example.com
Till then, take it easy amigos……..
You are on my list! I should have at least made this list instead of the meth heads that took the dryer (I am certainly much more entertaining)! Oh wait, I guess did not do my good deed for fame or fortune… I would do it again just so you could have the first two:)
I like the August thing also. You forgot to mention that everyone is pissed off after about 4 months of long hard work days, little rest and dealing with 24 kids. September plz come quickly!
Another sign you’ve been out of California too long? You think that school starts in August.
Go back to enjoying your grandee, you godless heathen!
School does start in August
Is this list of which you speak one in which I am toasted with accolades? Because that would genuinely rock!
Actually making good points, Barbara. I’m slightly less ashamed of you now. But 24 kids? Where did THAT come from
Le sigh. School starts August 19th around here in order to accommodate snow days, ice days, fog days, rain days, cloud days, murky days and the like. Once again, you know not of which you speak, hermano. I spit my mocha in your general direction………
Thank you, Babs. I rest my case.
Lift the pint glass: Clients that Give me money against my advice and tell me to bill them hourly for the extras. A client handed me a folded check today. I started the job on Saturday and they are purchasing materials.
I asked “What’s this for?”
Reply: “Food for the kids or something”
I opened the check later after rolling up-$2000
This after her husband told me “Yeah you talked to Eric (framing contractor) about cutting these plates to install the door. Bill me for that hourly (in addition to my current bid) or don’t do it. You should at least be making a living”. This guy is a timber faller and could work circles around me with a fused ankle, even though he is probably a decade older than I am. Nice
Here’s to you clients as I enjoy my Fat Tire New Belgium amber ale.
Oh, I want to see the lift kit. Tell The Wife I will make a trip as soon as financially possible just for that. To Hell with Dirty. I can see him any time.
Despite your casting me into hell, you know the compound awaits your arrival with plentiful beer, fried foods of indeterminate origin and a host of other local delights…..