darth-vaderHere’s another thing: I don’t understand why people root for the good guy/girl in just about every Hollywood production that gets cranked out year after year. Don’t try and give me all this bull about moral superiority and making tough choices; while those answers may get you an “A” in Psych 101, the reality is that life would give you infinitely more, and better, opportunities if you aligned yourself with the bad guys. Let’s face it: Bad Guys kick ass. And here’s why….

1.) Lack of empathy/sympathy. Bad Guys have not one iota of guilt of sending thousands to their eternal doom just to see their own plan executed. If they have to expend not only their entire armies, but their own closest friends for the cause, then that’s just the cost of doing business. Good Guys always seem to want to put the good of their people/cause/family/country first. And that costs them big time, usually with an unceremonious death as the curtain falls. Bad Guys don’t give a shit WHO has to die to get where they’re going.

2.) Plan A. Plan B. Plan C. Plan D-Z. Whereas the protagonists of the genre seem to have one plan that faces overwhelming odds and carries a high mortality rate, the so-called called “villains” never have a problem writing off their entire plan/spaceship/planet/army/volcano-lair at the first sign of a speed bump. In fact, they’ll even enjoy a smooth cognac aboard their escape vessel and laugh maniacally with whatever cohorts escaped the raging inferno. Note to self – ALWAYS have an escape vessel; preferably one with a well stocked mini-bar.

3.) Vengeance / Revenge. Because Bad Guys are almost universally on a mission to recapture their power, avenge a relatives death or just plain hell-bent on punishing the universe, they are always on the move, always on the offensive. Good Guys are too busy defending their helpless compatriots from whatever evil the Bad Guy has unleashed to really formulate a comprehensive attack strategy. Bad guys can afford to toy with their enemies, much like a cat does a mouse. And we all know who loses that little game.

4.) Love Interests. Bad Guys don’t need ’em. Almost EVERY SINGLE MOVIE has some stupid romance angle that never advances the Good Guys cause and usually ends up getting someone killed. A Bad Guy knows there’s no need to waste his time chasing trivial pursuits like “true love”. He knows the ladies will come to him, magnetically drawn to his inherent “bad boy” ways. He’d rather be “Mr. Right Now” not “Mr. Right”. Plus, a Bad Guy doesn’t need a wife or lover slowing him down on his way to the top; that is, unless, she can help him get there. Then, once he’s achieved his goals, he’ll likely toss her off the nearest cliff and find himself a new hobby, like hostile takeovers of local motel chains.

5.) Kids. Notice how in the Star Wars series, Lord Vader made a couple of attempts at getting his son Luke to “join the family business” and learn how to dominate the galaxy? Remember his reaction when Luke got all high and mighty, and refused to join? Well, if you don’t, it went like this: Darth Vader decided enough of this horseshit, I’ll just kill the little snot. In fact, even though Vader sensed that the Force was “strong with this one” (thereby a threat to his cherished way of life), he felt it was best to just wipe the little ingrate off the intergalactic map with some well-placed laser shots from his TIE-fighter. And then, when Luke kept refusing to sign with the Dark Side, rather than try to get all “close” with his son and “understand” his feelings, Darth Vader tried to teach him a lesson by cutting his hand off. Watch the little booger eaters the next time you go into a Target, running all kinds of roughshod over their mamas, and tell me that some time apprenticing under the Ultimate Bad Guy might not do them some good.

In this day and age of sensitivity and political correctness, it’s good to know the dudes operating on the wrong side of the law haven’t surrendered their principles for the sake of “morals” and “values” and “popularity”. No, they’ve stayed true to their principles (or lack thereof) and for that I salute them. It’s good to be bad.