Some folks hate Mondays with the same kind of rancor normally reserved for institutions like apartheid or diseases like Mesothelioma. If I worked something other than off-kilter shift work, I might feel the same way, but days of the week don’t mean a whole lot as a firefighter, other than the occasions they mark. Tuesday is mowing day, Saturday is ladder cleaning day, and Sunday is known as the best day of the week in the firehouse. Some days are made even better by little events that occur out of the blue. Today, on a Monday, it is raining to beat the dog, which makes me happy and a little less sweaty. As well, today is the day we kiss the satellite internet goodbye, as we got line of sight high speed installed here on the compound today. I can’t wait to finish this post and call up HughesNet and speak to “Peter” in New Delhi and tell him to where he can shove his useless services. So, without further ado I give you the Raising Of The Pint Glass and the Karate Chop To The Throat for the week. Don’t forget to read the survey question at the bottom and submit your answers for consideration for Friday. Send your wittiness to email@example.com. Take care, amigos!
RAISING OF THE PINT GLASS
1.) “Craig” from Total Wireless. This is the gentleman responsible for liberating us from the oppressive yoke of the overlords at Satellite Tyrants R’ Us internet service. Now we can join the rest of 2004 in the digital age and load more than one picture every 20 hours. A beer for Craig, at your earliest convenience.
2.) Darth Vader. Ever since the post went up about how good it is to be a bad guy, the entire family here in Rogersville has been shamelessly quoting the Dark Lord of the Sith, and catching up on Chad Vader episodes on YouTube. Somehow, Vader’s lines are endlessly quotable in every situation. Lines like telling my boys to “give in to your hatred” and gasping like an evil asthmatic. A dark ale for the Dark Lord.
3.) Heathen #1. He starts kindergarten on Wednesday, and I couldn’t be more excited for him, while a little sad at the same time. He’s gonna love school and while we can’t slow down the march of time, I miss the little version of my dude already. I raise my pint glass to you because you’re my son and I love you.
KARATE CHOP TO THE THROAT
1.) Me. I’ve headed back to the gym after a two week hiatus, and realized that anything I’d sweated off in the last five months came back with a vengeance in two weeks. I’ve even abstained from my favorite fruit of the pig (bacon) and I could still SMELL it today as I sweated like a discount hooker on the bike. I hate my own lethargic ass at times. So I chop….myself. And it hurts like hell.
2.) The Neighbors. They’ve been surprisingly quiet as of late, leaving us alone and creating minimal chaos. I am disturbed by this lack of action, which can only mean that they’re planning some sort of uprising in the near future. Plus, they’re not giving me any material to write about, thereby confirming my suspicions that they ARE out to get me. Stupid medications and coffee are not helping any. Hack, chop!
3.) Kindergarten bullies. Upon his arrival into the public school system, Heathen #1 will no doubt be confronted by the a-hole kids of a-hole parents who think that bullying is A-ok. I hated bullies then and have no use for them now. And if it comes down to it, I’ll chop socky anyone bullying my boys. Actually, I’m a firm believer in “don’t be the first to throw a punch, but make sure you’re the last.” Bullies, beware. I will wait for you. I’ve got time.
HALF PAST FRIDAY SURVEY QUESTION FOR AUGUST 21ST
Since we’re all here meeting up on the World Wide Web, tell me the very first website you go to each day and (more importantly) WHY. Make your answers honest, witty and every which way but loose. Send your responses to firstname.lastname@example.org. Cheers to Buns, once again, for coming up with the question (God, that guy wants ALL the credit!). Have a good one, my friends!