rocket-surgeryYesterday, our fishwrap-caliber newspaper ran a story on a local pot bust. I would assume that that is a newsworthy subject due to the simple fact that the majority of our drug busts out here in Springfield are meth-based; at the least, they’re generally rooted in the transportation of drugs across I-44, our local superhighway of narcotics. The reason I found this story amusing is based on this line, right here:

“Officers from the sheriff’s office and from the Missouri Highway Patrol located and seized about 130 mature marijuana plants, many of them 10 to 15 feet tall, from the property, according to the release.”

I will admit here, in the interest of full disclosure, that I know NOTHING about growing pot. And if you were witness to my attempts at growing pumpkins a few years ago, you know that the agricultural degree I got is positively going to waste (sorry Cal Poly; in all fairness, you tried. We just didn’t work out. No shame). So my next question is this: what?

As in “What. The. Flugelhorn?”

What Einstein thinks about this hare-brained cultivation of the Devi’ls lettuce and thinks that plants 10-15 feet tall are unremarkable? Apparently our Mtn. Grove herbaliser does. I mean, even if you live way out where the Baldknobbers still tread, you’d think that you might not let your crops get nearly two stories tall. And think of the hassles when trying to tend, feed or care for this illegal little operation of yours; would you take trips to the local rental yard when it came time for maintenance? I imagine it went down like this:

Rental Guy: “Hey, Ronnie! Wow, back again! Don’t tell me… want to rent the aerial lift again? Jesus Ronnie, that’s like twice in the last month. What the hell are you doing with that thing? Hanging gutters? Trimming trees?”

Ron: “Yeah….something like that.”

Rental Guy: “Okay, but hells bells, Ronnie, for what you’ve been paying to rent this thing, you could own one by now. WOW. That’s a lot of cash in your hand! Christ, what are you, a drug dealer now Ron?

Ron: “Why? What have you heard?”

When my buddy Todd called up to bring this story to my attention (it already had caught my eye due to the genius quotient), these were the kinds of scenarios that were playing out in our conversation.  We were left to wonder: did the fertilizer instructions lead this man astray? At what point did he look upon his ocean of cannabis and say “Jeez…..those suckers are gettin’ a mite tall?” Are there websites and forums that he could have joined that would give him instruction? Wait, don’t answer that, I don’t want to be bombarded with anecdotes on hemp sites. I already have one brother who is the resident expert on all things green. Some knowledge is best left to others.

Everyone has a point at which their risk/benefit ratio flips and they are no longer will to assume the liabilities. I choose not to rob convenience stores when I am low on cash, because it would be hard to report for duty at the firehouse from jail. My wife chooses to not violently hack me to pieces every time I upset her, because it would be too inconvenient disposing of the body. There must have been a point in time when Ron the pot grower decided that it would be worth it to have 130 mature marijuana plants grow taller than corn. Maybe that’s standard protocol for hemp farmers. Maybe he has brass clankers. Maybe he’s just an idiot pothead. Or just maybe, he too is an alumni of Cal Poly who happened to pay attention in Crops 101.