kid-sitting-in-toiletAs I was scanning the news on Google this morning, I came across a headline (read: here) that immediately made the vein in my forehead surge in anger and swell in disbelief. In its entirety, the story’s caption was thus:

Heidi Klum Probably Won’t Have More Kids

Well, praise Allah and The Flying Spaghetti Monster, we can all rest easy tonight knowing that she probably won’t have more kids. Guess what People Magazine? I probably will wash my hands the next time I go to the bathroom. I am probably going to drink another pot of coffee. I probably won’t go on a murderous rampage in a Target any time soon. I am maddeningly underwhelmed by your journalistic “integrity” People Magazine. The supermodel / scholar of the obvious then went on to say (in reference to the number of kids she has):  

“It’s a lot!” Klum, 36, told PEOPLE last month. “The noise factor around our table is unbelievable. There’s so much going on … My husband sit and look at each other and say, ‘Soon there will be No. 4 at the table. It will be even noisier!’ ”

I understand that she is German and since English is her second language she deserves some leeway. In fact, she is not the issue at all. An apparently successful businesswoman, model, television personality and child bearer, she’s rather accomplished, even in the area of acute observation of the noises kids make. What is so ludicrous is that a magazine not only ran the headline and story, it seems to think that this is obvious need-to-know vital information. This is somewhat like the parents that post blogs about what a miracle it is that Baby Grace has learned to use a toilet; I have yet to meet a kid that never learned to use one at some point. Sure, it’s moment of pride for mom and dad, but throughout millennia, kids have figured out how to take a dump into a receptacle. Parents the world over have decided that four children are “probably enough mouths to feed”. I fail to understand the significance of this article.

Who really cares? Is there some sort of butterfly effect taking place whereby the Duggar family won’t add a 25th child upon hearing that Heidi is “probably” done with the whole thing? Will some kid not turn to a life of drugs and crime when he finds out her uterus is closed for business? Does the whole thing qualify as “entertainment”, “news” or “random crap we fill a magazine up with since we don’t want to engage anyone on a level beyond celebrity uncertainty”? This is why I cannot tolerate reality television. Somehow, celebrity status means that the mundane details of your life are now considered newsworthy grist for the mill. I know that everyone has curiosities about the famous (what color underwear was Elvis wearing when he took that ominous death-poop?) and there are times when I give thought as to whether Willie Nelson is more of a “Nacho Cheese” or “Cool Ranch” Doritos kind of guy, but those aren’t the kinds of questions you devote print to, are they?

Apparently, for a large portion of our population, you do. And what used to be the realm of information that was featured in magazines targeted for 12 year old girls (Tiger Beat?) is now comfortably at home in media designed for people who will sooner than later qualify for membership in the AARP. I’m not a high-brow intellectual by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m more than a little embarrassed for us as a society that we place value on the sexploits of Paris Hilton and whatever her flavor of the month is. Reading articles on economic principle and health care reform just don’t hold anyone’s attention the same way a lurid description of David Letterman’s sex dens can. I wonder when we’ll come to our collective senses and just say, “you know, there’s no reason in this world why I care about the carnal happenings of the children of has-been pop stars”?

In the meantime, your life and mine will continue unabated. We’ll make the good and bad choices, come unhinged on our own children, fight the battle of the bulge, bitch about the weather and local politicians and get on with our own versions of normalcy. And I’ll continue to lay awake deep into the night, wondering if there’s any chance Heidi Klum will have more children. Probably not.