Real Interviews That Never Really Happened
Have you ever wondered what some folks are really thinking? Yeah, I bet you have. I find all the fluff style journalism pervading our popular culture somewhat lacking in any sort of substance, and I decided to do something about it. No longer will you have to worry about what is going on out there with the major movers and shakers of our society. I will no longer sit idly on the sidelines and accept that a bunch of androgynous femme boys wearing eyeliner and skinny jeans are to be considered “groundbreaking” musicians. I will seek out and ask the tough questions that those sissies on E! Network won’t. And I won’t let pesky little facts (like that I’m making all of it up) get in my way, either. I want these people to be held accountable and to not just spout off what their publicists tell them to say. So, I created “Real Interviews That Never Really Happened” in order to make sense of such quandaries. This week, I interviewed Jeffery “The Dude” Lebowski, the protagonist of the film “The Big Lebowski”. He was kind enough to sit down with me and answer some long unanswered questions and debunk popular myths about the man that is The Dude. If you’ve never seen the movie, this essay will make absolutely no sense to you, and you should probably stop reading right now; if you have any ideas about who you’d like to see next in my office for a question and answer session, let me know: send your suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org. So now, without further ado, I give you the results of my time with The Dude. Enjoy.
Uli: All right, all right. Wow! The Dude, right here in my office, right now, doing an interview. First off, I’m a big fan of your movie.
The Dude: What? What movie? What the hell are you talkin’ about, man?
Uli: Your movie, The Big Lebowski. It’s a cult favorite, and in heavy rotation here at my house. Watch it all the time.
The Dude: Man, whatever it is you’re smoking I want some of it.
Uli: Dude, I’m not smoking anything. Why don’t we just get right down to the interview shall we?
The Dude: That’s a great plan, Walter. That’s f–kin’ ingenious, if I understand it correctly. It’s a Swiss f–kin’ watch.
Uli: Um, my name’s not Walter.
The Dude: Whatever, man. Let’s just do this thing, I’ve got a tournament to get to.
Uli: Okay, first question, one I’m sure a lot of readers are gonna want to know. Did you get your rug back?
The Dude: Does the Pope shit in the woods?
Uli: What? That makes no sense. You realize, your answer right there, that makes no sense.
The Dude: Of COURSE it makes sense, man. Total sense.
Uli: Ohhhhkay. So, to paraphrase, you DID get your rug back, then, right?
The Dude: It tied the room together.
Uli: I understand that. I’m gonna throw it out again though….DID you, in fact, get your rug back?
The Dude: This is bullshit, man, I already answered this question.
Uli: Right, then.
(awkward silence goes on for around thirty seconds)
Uli: Next question…your resume says here that you were a roadie for Metallica and you are quoted as saying they are a “bunch of assholes”.
The Dude: Yeah. They were a major bummer, man. Total fascists.
Uli: That’s a pretty strong charge to level at one of the major metal acts of all time. Care to expound?
The Dude: Oh, yeah, those guys were complete dicks, I mean especially that Lars cat. I’d be tearing down sets on the Speed Of Sound Tour, just listening to my iPod, and he’d jump my ass, with all this “pirated music” craziness, man. I told him I’m not even into pirates. That’s when he lost it, went all Charles Manson on me.
Uli: Well, you know, Lars Ulrich was at the forefront of trying to shut down Napster and illegally downloaded music and all that.
The Dude: Yeah, I could really use a nap myself, man. Right on my rug.
Uli: All right….moving on. Would you call our current situation in Iraq a modern day Vietnam?
The Dude: I don’t see any connection to Vietnam, Walter.
Uli: Again, my name is not Walter…it’s Uli.
The Dude: Right! You have the same name as that nihilist bastard….wait, I got it, man….yeah….”Uli”.
Uli: That’s what I just said – “Uli”
The Dude: Yeah, Uli……Uli Kunkol. From “Log Jammin'”. I knew you looked familiar, man. Me and Maude watched that one, right after we, you know, well, you know…
Uli: I was never in any movie, Dude. I promise.
The Dude: Are you sure? Because you said your name was Uli
Uli (long sigh): Okay, let’s just get to the next question
The Dude: Do you mind if I do a J?
Uli: Um, yeah, actually,I do. There are kids here, Dude.
The Dude (lighting up): Whatever, man. I really need a drink. You know how to make a Caucasian, Gary?
Uli: So, Maude Lebowski, that was pretty hot, the artist and the vagrant, all that, right?
The Dude: I have no idea what you’re talking about, man. I already paid my rent.
Uli: I’m talking about the hookup with Maude. She was gorgeous. That had to be a once in a lifetime moment for you, right?
The Dude: Oh! Yeah, that. Yeah, man, she was hot and all, but you know, whatever, she just wanted to make some babies or some s–t like that. I dunno.
Uli: So, you weren’t mad about being used as a sperm donor?
The Dude: The Dude abides.
Uli: Well, all right. Don’t really know how to, uh, respond to that, so let’s just go with it.
The Dude (looking more bored by the second): Go with what, man?
Uli: Next question: Jesus Quintana……certified pedophile or just a creepy dude who licks bowling balls and randomly threatens the competition?
The Dude: Look, I wasn’t there and I don’t know how it all went down, man, but Walter (Sobchak), he swears it’s true, man. And look at him, he just seems, like, out there, you know? As to bowling? F–kin’ Quintana, that creep can roll, man.
Uli: Do you have to use so many cuss words?
The Dude: What the f–k you talking about?
Uli: Final question: any hints as to how The Dude would “fix” our broken health care system?
The Dude: Legalize it
Uli: And how exactly does that help the sad state of affairs that we as a nation find ourselves in when it comes to medical coverage?
The Dude: Precisely
Uli: Ok, well, thanks a lot, Mr. Lebowski, this has been a, well, unique interview to say the least. I appreciate your coming all the way out here to Missouri just to talk.
The Dude: Nobody calls me Lebowski. You got the wrong guy. I’m the Dude, man.