This is the time of year when, as it gets cold and icy, residents of this fair city begin to utilize emergency services on a more frequent basis. Old people slip and fall. Methamphetamine cooks move their labs indoors to get out of the elements, then proceed to catch the house on fire during their forays into illegal chemistry. If you are one of the folks that decides to dial 911 for an emergency, I thought I might offer you a primer. The following is a list you may want to consult before you make that call.
- If you are going to take the time to report a house fire from your cell phone as you’re driving down the road, don’t be be the drive-by caller who then disappears. Show some intestinal fortitude. When we show up at 2 am ready to work only to find out you’ve called in an extravagant Christmas light display as a fire, I want to put a face to it. And then I want to laugh at/choke you, just a little.
- When you have not had a bowel movement in three days, please don’t wait until 3:15 am until calling 911. I’m sure it was hurting in the middle of the day, and really? There’s not a whole lot the fire department can do for your situation. Know when to go. Like, after the first two days.
- In the same vein, don’t chance a trip to the toilet if you’re over 600 lbs. and no one else is in the house. Chances are you’ll get stuck, and while we’re happy to serve, I hate to think of you all alone there, wedged between a wall and the stool for hours until discovered by your landlady.
- Please don’t get all indignant if I’ve been to your house several times for the smell of smoke and ask you if you’ve been cooking again. I’m not insulting your cooking skills, I’m insulting your ignorance. Know the difference.
- Don’t ask for a light for your smoke after you’ve called us for “shortness of breath” while hooked up to oxygen. The answer will always and forever be no.
- If you threaten your Old Lady with burning her house down, don’t act all surprised when you’re arrested for the actual act. Consequences, my friend.
- When we’re arriving at a working house fire, don’t wave your arms in the street like a raving lunatic, shouting and acting as though you’re having a seizure. I got it. I’m going to the house that has flames coming out of it. That’s where I’m going.
- Don’t use your charcoal-fired grill as a means of heating your home. Bonfires on the living room floor rarely work out, either.
- If you or a relative calls us because you’re jacked up on meth, or drunk, or both…..don’t get all huffy when I ask if you’re speeding. Save that one for the cops. It’s not like you called just to spend time with me, so let’s just dispense with the niceties. Stop bullshitting everyone in the room – there really aren’t bugs crawling all over your eyeballs, you’re just high.
- Do keep the battery in your smoke detector. It sounds pretty bad when you tell us, as smoke and flames are rolling out of your house, that you took the battery out because “it kept beeping and shit when I’m watching my COPS”.
- You do need to know that if I find your kid covered in fleas when we respond to your house, I’ll be calling the Division of Family Services immediately upon my return to the station. This will be after I’ve asked you about the flea bites and your response is “I dunno. Must be the chicken poxes or somethin’ “
- If you decide to give birth in a liquor store, you do need to understand that this will become a piece of fire station lore and gossip. And you do need to know we’ll be describing it in vivid detail.
- As well, if we find you tied up in some sort of kinky bondage play gone wrong, we’ll respect your privacy and never murmur a word of the details outside of the firehouse. But that sort of story? You do know that it becomes currency like gold around the station dining table, right?
- Do put on clothes, if at all possible. And no, belly-baring tank tops were most likely not designed with you in mind.
- If you own a vicious, baby-killing pit bull, please do tell us about it before we go into whatever section of your “house” you keep it chained up in. I don’t care how sweet you think the dog is; it hates us and the feeling is mutual.
- Do carefully consider your weapons of choice when you embark on a mission of revenge. Two baseball bats? Okay, that’s reasonable. Two weedeaters? That’s just funny, and apparently hurts like hell.
- When we enter your domicile, do give consideration to the fact that I’m not a total idiot. When you say “sorry, I was just fixin’ to clean up” and I see years of cat shit and trash accumulated on the floor, you’re merely insulting my keen sense of observation. Besides, you called us for emergency response. We expect to see you at your worst, so just let it be. But clean the cat box, will ya?
- When you call 911 and we arrive to find your house engulfed in flames and there is one of the No New Taxes signs planted in your yard (*note – that sales tax was to fund your fire dept.*), know that we do, indeed, appreciate the irony. I hope you do too, you turdblossom.
Oh my word… This has me sitting here in stitches. Can I call 911 for that? Nice use of the new word!
This one is tops!
I know not of what you speak, when you say things like “fire”, or “flames”- since those things are mere myth, in good ol’ BransVegas.
As for the rest of your list, what kind of entertainment value would the job hold, if all of the morons (er, I mean, citizens) followed your suggestions?
I think those of us on the Engine have seen all of those things, a few times all in one shift.
Love it, love it and I do mean Love every word of it! Isn’t if odd that most “emergencies” could have actually not only been avoided, but in many many many case could have just been waited until the morning, or walked to the darn hospital! Truth is, if you can’t poop…try walking (yes, I know… it’s difficult when your are fat ass, but give it a try and hey, lay off the freaking cheese, duh!), Oh and for all those fat asses that get stuck on the toilet..do know that all fireman children laugh their asses off when hearing about you and every time they here the fire truck or ambulance they automatically say “oops, someone’s stuck on the toilet again”! Here’s a suggestion…stop F@CKING EATING! That should and WILL solve your problem!
Oopsie, it seems I’m a BIT wound up now…and well, yes I am! Dang it, when dumb ass people call and wake up fireman (that’s all I can speak for) and they keep them out in the middle of the night for their complete ignorance..it pisses ME off! Yes, they are paid to be there for you…for an EMERGENCY! I completely understand those and have no problems with those who need the help…I only have a problem for those who waste my husband’s night of sleep. Guess what ignorant peeps, I’m the one who has to deal with him being cranky the next day..not your dumb ass who’s sleeping the whole damn day away because you had a “so called emergency not being able SHIT”.
Stepping off my soap box now :-)~
oh and yes, my husband also works with me, so…..being tired for stupidity..seems to piss me off! 🙂
Glad you liked it – and, of course I enjoy employing *my* new words
Thanks! Like I said….this is all culled from actual calls!
Good point, but I gotta say, that on our towns north side, I’m pretty sure there is job security……..in the form of calls, at least!
Must we? Your constant attempts to drive a wedge between the Engine and The Most High Noble Truck are in vain, my friend.
@Crazy Merritt’s wife
well, you’ve certainly covered the bases! I appreciate your reading the post!
This sounds like #2, my dad retired from there and has many similar tales. I forwarded this to him for a laugh.
My wife wanted me to add one to the list for us and all in EMS, the ER, and in her case surgery. When you’ve had the shit beat out of you at a bar dont utter the phrase “Iwas minding my own business and these two dudes came up and just started beating me up”. Apparently there are two dudes going around beating the crap out of everyone in the area. Its kinda like how everyone who is drunk and got in the fight, wrecked their car, etc. only had two beers.
Yeah, apparently these two dudes have been beating the crap out of unsuspecting drunk geniuses for the 12 years that I have worked in surgery! Same goes for the surgery patient with the growth on the back of his head that is supporting a colony of maggots! “This just popped up over night!” Seriously, if I was stupid enough to believe that, I would have been beat up by those two dudes a long time ago!
From Scott’s Better Half
Sounds like the makings for a television sit com.
how well you know us up here on Commercial Street.
I’ve SEEN those two dudes. Preying on the innocent, the filthy bastards…
truth is stranger than fiction, right?
That made me laugh so hard I’m crying!!!!
I can only hope you burst into tears at work….that would be perfect!