*The following actually occurred the other day as I was changing in the Y.M.C.A. locker room. I thought it would make for a great short skit because it’s so fantastically nuts. It’s all true, except at the end where I beat the man to death with a shoe; it was just where I wanted to take it.*
Enter men’s locker room. We have a teenage employee who is trying to run a vacuum over the carpeted portions, clearly unamused by this aspect of his job. He is wearing a sweater of some sort that may, or may not, advertise a local Christian-based university. This is unclear.
In front of our intrepid employee sits a patron of the gym. Think Jon Lovitz but with much, much taller hair and about 250 pounds heavier. He is addressing the employee, who we shall call “David”, and in a state of undress. “Goliath”, as we’ll know him, is lecturing him on the evils of Los Angeles and the virtues of spending each moment of your life in praise of Jesus.
Off to the side we find Uli trying to find his lung that he is sure he lost in a cardio class a few minutes earlier. This is the conversation he catches:
Goliath: Yeah, you don’t ever want to go to L.A., man. Nothing but drinking and drugs. It’s all I did before I was saved and spent my whole life in service to Jesus. You know Jesus, right, man?
David: Yeah, I do. We go to church (anxiously gripping the handle of the vacuum. Upset at Goliath’s naked-ness)
Goliath: When were you born, man?
David: Um, 1990.
Goliath: Yeah, I quit the drugs and drinking when you were one year old. 1991. And now not a minute goes by where I don’t serve Jesus. I got out of L.A. at the right time, and Jesus told me to come here. It’s awesome, man. You can’t afford L.A., either. It’s like $400/month for an apartment
Uli: (in his mind) – What are you serving Jesus? Lunch? And since when did an apartment in L.A. cost $400? Are we talking in Watts? Are you just lying?
David: That…….that’s great. I, um, need to get back to work.
Goliath: You need to have a good Bible study at least three times a week. Are you doing this? How many time a week do you have organized Bible study?
David: Uh, we meet, like once or..
Goliath: No, man, you need to meet at least three times a week. You need to be a spiritual warrior, man. I’m telling you, I can tell, you’re a fighter for Christ, just like me. Three times a week, that’s what it takes.
David: Ok. Sure, whatever, man
Uli: (in his mind) C’mon, David, just tell this fat, obnoxious ass that you don’t take Biblical orders from a naked obese lunatic. Do it, David.
Goliath: You don’t study three times a week, in a group, dude, you’ll end up like I was, out in L.A. with the wrong people, doing dumb things. You don’t want to do that. Jesus wants more for you.
David: Yeah, I know, so can I just, uh get to where you are and….. (pointing to the vacuum)
Goliath: Sure, sure, sure. I just want to look out for my brother, man (as he scoots away, tugging up his tighty-whitey style underwear). I just am always happy to talk to people who get it, man. I mean, really get it. Jesus is the only way, and too many people don’t love him enough to announce it, ya know?
Uli: (in his mind) Like, announcing it in the nude in a men’s locker room, you ridiculous jagaloon? Let the man do his work. I can see his uncomfortable shame from here.
David: Well, it’s been really nice talking but I gotta get back to work (leaves the vacuum where it sits and heads out of the locker room)
Goliath: Okay, brother, just know Jesus is there for you. So am I! Don’t go to L.A.! God bless!
We see David just outside the locker room, worrying the corner off of a towel as he contemplates his next move. Should he risk retrieving his abandoned vacuum cleaner? How long does Goliath intend to stay in a state of undress? Should he just quit his job?
Cut back into the locker room where we find Uli beating Goliath to death with a shower slipper, demanding to know where he can find an apartment in the Los Angeles area for $400 a month.
Fade To Black.