Here we go again. Another New Year’s and another set of broken promises lie before me. I’ve already listed my set of what not to dos (read here), but the truth is that some changes need to be enacted, post haste. The reason is that my descent into middle age lard-assedness has been given an unfair advantage by my sheer laziness and unwillingness to make decent food and exercise choices. How many of us have sat and watched some mixed martial arts fight, football game, jai-alai tournament and thought, “hell yeah, I could probably do that. I know for sure I coulda ten years ago.” I love the little lies we tell ourselves as we order another round of cheese fries (ranch dressing on the side, garcon). The truth is that left to my own devices, I will comply with the overwhelming demands of the convenient, delicious fat-food cartels and before long TLC will be doing a special about how a crane is required to move my bed to the local obesity clinic. Well, maybe not that bad, but it’ll be damn close.
I’ve been going to cycling classes at the local Y, still play hockey and once in awhile I go to a Pilates class, if for no other reason than to hear myself grunt and pop. And, while I’ve enjoyed limited results, the truth is that the scale is giving the middle finger to these attempts. After torquing my knee attempting to train for a half marathon, I began to appreciate what my body was screaming at me: “YO, fatass, I can’t take this abuse anymore, so I’m compressing your knee to the point of pain. Take that, asshole, and lay off the special #7 at the Peking House, for the love of Christ!”
Motivated by The Wife’s recent purging of our refrigerator of all that is not raw, green and/or disgusting, I decided to jump on her bandwagon. We signed up for a Biggest Loser competition going on here locally (in which I intend to take home the entire pot of prize money, even if I have to adopt a temporary meth habit), and I signed up at the local Cross-Fit gym, where the motivational theme seems to be centered around puking. Several other firemen are working out there and have seen some awesome results, results that will benefit us in our everyday work environment. As was put to us so eloquently in the introductory course… “when in life are you going to be required push a metal bar off of your chest?” However, when you get up off of a toilet, you’re basically doing a squat, and there’s a lot of that sort of thing going down in this gym. I like this concept, because in my twisted mind, I’ll claim a workout every time I get off the can.
So, we’ll see. The goal here is to chuck somwhere between 40 and 50 clunkers off this tired body, and in the meantime derail the heart attack that awaits. Adios, deep fried Chinese food, we might meet again once in awhile, but I doubt it. Bacon….it’s over, I’m seeing someone else, and her name is “chicken”. She’s not near as tasty and naughty as you are, but the ugly truth is, you never cared for me anyways – you just wanted me for my gut. Guinness and coffee, I’m keeping you on the team, but you’re getting a lot less playing time; you have to understand, it’s for the greater good. To the rest of my body, I deeply apologize for what I’m about to put you through…..just know that it’s gonna hurt me a whole lot more than it will you.
Love it! As I read this, I was chowing down on a breadstick and thinking that I should follow your lead…We’ll see.
If Elvis had only seen the light at such a tender age…
I have mailed you 15 shirtless photos of myself for your viewing pleasure to help you find inspiration! Ha-ha, on a serious note congrats and keep motivated!
I was thinking the other day about your fitness goals… And thought, “maybe we could trade my personal training for learning how to weld”. You do weld, right?
But now I find that you’ve joined Crossfit and dashed my welding dreams!
Congratulations on your new fitness endeavor.
Right on dude…Once you start you won’t be able to stop. Keeping in shape is damn addicting!
yes, we will…..but don’t hold your breath
again, I appreciate it.
I wish he were here to give me guidance…..
bouncing quarters off my brothers abs? Not cool. Bouncing quarters off my own? Well, let’s not get ridiculous.
For what you spend in gym memberships you could just have the bypass sugery and no more worries….
I wish you luck as I read this (eating a bacon sandwich). I hope Im wrong, but I picked sometime in April for you to quit going to cross fit (injury, too busy, etc) and June for when you decide that the money spent on the membership would better go toward the “savings” for the motorcycle. Hope this provides motivation.
…..says the man who’s single-handedly keeping the pharmaceutical industry in the black.
Luck? YOU wish me LUCK? After you and the brothers all cooked three pounds of bacon last Sunday while I ate oatmeal? When I get my strongs? You’re gonna be the first to die.
I can weld, but not I’m not such a good teacher; I tend to drink heavily when someone, anyone comes to my shop. I’m the worst influence, ever. So, in an effort to keep the Guinness in check, all my shop projects are being done on the d.l. But thanks for encouragement…..it’s a lot better than what I’m getting from my own firehouse crew!!
Especially if you’re OCD. Am I right?
Hey, One piece of bacon crisply cooked and blotted is OK and the California Egg Producers would be disappointed it you thought their product unhealthy – the real problem is the eggs fried in the left over bacon grease and basted! Yum! and add a few more pieces of bacon and toast and butter while you’re at it…………..