Dear Moron,
Yeah, you. In the gold Mercury Topaz. The one that cut me off in the nearly-empty parking lot of a nasty West side Subway sandwich joint last night. There was just you and I looking to enter the place when you felt the need to punch it and swipe a spot near the front door. No big deal. I can park in front of the shady check cashing place, I’m not scared. Then, from behind your emo-boy wispy hair your little bug eyes popped out when you saw I was going to enter Subway, maybe before you could! Horror! You jumped out and sprinted like you were being chased by The Heat in order to make sure you got to the door first. I really don’t care. No, it’s all good. I had time.
But then, when you flung open the door and waltzed inside, skinny pants clinging tight like a tick to your chicken legs you got smug. You, with the whole whipping strands of hair around like a triumphant ice dancer, you couldn’t be bothered to at least hold the door, say “excuse me” or look me in the face; you went too far you little snot-faced bastard. I don’t give a crap if you had to put your Dungeons & Dragons game on hold so you could bolt from your mothers basement and grab some eats, YOU DID NOT WIN. STOP LOOKING SO RIGHTEOUS, DUMBASS!!
I was tired from a workout and just looking to grab some dinner on the way to the fire station. I’m too old to engage in spinning tires in a parking lot – not even a busted ass Topaz being run into the red line is tempting. Just order your meal and get out of my way, clown.
Wait. What’s that?
You want to order six sandwiches so you and your pubescent little friends can pretend you’re wizards and merlins well into the night while watching Highlander six times in a row? You want to hear what all the possible menu options are from the irritated minimum wage slave with a mustard-laden knife in his hands? I hope he slices you with it. You, sir, are a grade-A turd. I could take you to the State Fair and win blue ribbons for your prize-turd status. And I know you heard me when I expressed my disbelief at your inability to read a menu.
You’re what’s wrong with this country.
I hope a level 19 Taco Supreme Imperial Warlock beat the bejeezus out of you that night back in Mother’s basement.
Me? I was the one too lazy to follow through with my plans to torch the Topaz. I had to settle for glaring and muttering and a cold sandwich.
Unlike revenge, it wasn’t a dish best served cold.
One of the best posts I have ever read! Thanks for saying that for me.
@Legin
Thanks for listening, my friend. It takes a village to wipeout the idiots.
Uli, karma will continue to test your faith in it. Also, you can always take infinite solace in the simple reality that you are not him, though you could have been born him, but his sorry ass life was reserved for his sorry ass. Spicy Italian, hold the pickles, no salt. Topaz, nice
Oh my God that is the funniest thing! And here I was self centered enough to think I was the only person that could cook up such snide remarks stemming from idiotic behavior. Such people, I believe, deserve a knuckle sandwich with all the fixings laid directly on their foreheads.
I would have stuck my glittery boot right up his little ass-crack-showing skinny pants and spat on him as I waltzed across his flat-ironed hair. No one gets between me and my subway.
Oh Uli, you’ve done it again! Thanks for the laugh-til-I-cried (or peed, lol, I won’t tell you which). It rocked :0)
Mathew 7:12 Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.
Now if you’ll excuse the sin of Onan calls me…..
oh yea….Amen
This was too damn funny. I had to hold it in. If I wasn’t in the library I would be laughing my fat Ass off. Keep it up Uli. P.S. Love the Dungeon and dragons reference…..(So emo ….sooo gothic)
Iv’e be working out at the gym and Believe me I get the “bejeesus” beaten out of me everyday. Sometimes he just lays there on the floor crying. Unlike my “besatan” who always stays positive enough to fight back coming back for more pain.
@G-Man
Hilarious! I loathe for the situation you were in…Did he have Samurai knots tied up on his melon, zippered flannel-clown-looking pants and some eyeliner? Emo punks.
@G-Man
Hey G-Man isn’t that the same as the Deuteronomy 19:21
“Thus you shall not show pity: life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot. or Exodus 21:24 hand for hand, foot for foot, burning for burning, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.
THe Sad part is if everyone did this we would all be walking around looking burnt, eyeless and toothless and a shitload of stripes and wounds
ugly very….ugly
@Blacksheep
Nope, that’s old testament crap…..new covenant was created with the resurrection. Your 2000 years to late for the laws of Abraham and Moses. The J-Man laid all that old jewish law to waste….