Raisin and Porter Synthesizing Human Data

Ever walk into the room to have a canine look at you, size you up with a tilt of the head and see it thinking “y’know, I came from outerspace and I could end you at any given moment”? Welcome to my world.

Pugs are the breed of dog my wife and I invested in several years ago due to their big dog personality in a little dog package, crumpled face, frog eyes, curled tail and kid-friendly reputation. Little did we realize that the breed actually was not of ancient Chinese origin popularized by Europeans favoring “much in little”, rather they were an alien breed sent to Earth to monitor human civilization one household at a time.

That’s absurd you say? Allow me to present evidence A. Pugs are not well equipped to live on our watery planet as they suffer from a variety of health issues, including overheating, obesity, pharyngeal reflex and two fatal conditions which are granulomatous meningoencephalitis and hemivertebrae. What other dog has these issues? None. They are smart enough to lull their owners into considering them to be quiet and docile, or vivacious and teasing—depending on their owner’s mood—while they collect evidence for their superior alien race located deep in an unknown galaxy several millions of light years away.

I have often confronted our pugs Raisin and Porter as to their intentions here on Earth, but they simply deflect the question with puggy cuteness and loving temperament. I’m certain they will consume me in their own time, once I’ve provided enough information for their scientific fact finding mission.

Our dogs also possess hypersonic speeds. When agitated or teased, I tend to test them from time to time, they run circles around the house with great velocity. At this time they are barely visible and I can only assume that they are showing me their superior power and strength as a warning not to push them too far.

The result I expect to achieve one day is to agitate the little alien beast so that their head splits off and the little green alien controlling their canine bodies steps out and says, “let’s just give us a bone and quit the games, right?”

Still think I’m wrong? Check out the pug’s teeth and hang onto your human canines. A pug tooth is the best indicator that life exists outside of our planet. The molar teeth are so irregular I believe that they are used primarily as a map of their home galaxy vs. crushing dog food or anything else they find in the yard to consume to fuel their out-of-this-world alien vessel covered in shedding fur.

So keep this in mind all ye soon to be dog owners. Why did the movie Men In Black feature a pug as a main alien character? Because it is true. Google it. Make your family canine selection carefully and use measured judgment when taking home your new “best friend”.

Chad Harris is the founder and editor of Fair City News, a satirical look at local happenings here in Springfield, Mo. He’s also nominated for three “Blogaronis” by The Springfield Bloggers Association, including Blog Of The Year.  As if he didn’t have enough on his plate, he’s a founder and member of The Improvadors, a comedy troupe entertaining the unsuspecting public on a regular basis. He is one funny sonofagun, a title I just made up.