Johnny says.....

1. Those who pretend their pets are children

These people are seriously off their rocker, although they are the first to insist that they are just “normal parents”. Oh yeah? Does your dachshund have teething issues that keep you up at all hours? Do you have to buy $36,000 worth of diapers for your cat? (and if you do, then I stand by my sanity statement). No. Feed the little bastards, show them some love and teach them not to crap in the house, and basically you’re set up as a pet “parent”. And dressing them up at Halloween only makes you seem a little creepy, although sometimes it comes off as very funny. You’re confusing the term “parent” with “owner”.

2. Those who have children and act as though they are the first people to have ever had them.

Segueing from my first topic, I just love it to no end when a new parent thinks anyone else in the whole world (outside of immediate family) cares when their kid takes their first dump, or sleeps through the night or “graduates” from pre-school. These are not parental breakthroughs, people. And if your kid is truly and honestly the smartest individual ever to walk the face of the earth, no other parent really wants to hear how their own kid is shamefully second-rate. So do your little Mensa dance in your own house, and let every other parent in the world think THEIR kid is the smartest one in the tri-state area.

3. People with fish on their cars.

Worst drivers ever, and usually with the road manners of a rabid wolverine. I don’t think Jesus would condone you cutting someone off and flying the bird as a symbol of victory. You wanna wear the badge of your faith on your vehicle? Then act as if Jesus really is your co-pilot, not whoever that is your chatting on your cell phone with at this very moment. The Old Testament is very clear about this.

4. The Kardashians. Or any reality-television family, really.

You people do NOTHING, and yet command an enviable salary for said skill. Somehow, it was decided to publicize every mundane moment of the lives of these people and declare that they are stars. Then, when they make a statement like “I’m just fat” or “I slept with the entire special teams division of the Oakland Raiders”, it is somehow worth print, discussion and television air time. And I hate myself even more for mentioning you here. Damn you, dark headed beautiful idiots.

5. Talk radio hosts

I’ve listened to talk radio on and off since I was eighteen, mostly because there’s really nothing worth listening to in the middle of the day, and I used to find the dialogue intriguing, if not prone to whipping me up into a political lather. Now, as I get older and a little more mellow, I realize that these chowderheads do nothing but fire people up into a frenzy and offer nothing of real value to the conversation. The ability to politicize every single event and cater to your worst fears of an impending threat of communism (Vietnam, anyone?) now just come across as whiny, pathetic attempts to profit from your ire. The BP oil fiasco is no more the fault of Obama than Katrina was the fault of Bush, and yet, there they are, assigning blame and working us into a tizzy.

6. Part time workout ninjas

You work out? That’s great. You really badass and want the world to know it? Um, ok, that’s a little much for me to admire (outside of sites dedicated to the workout. Like Crossfit. I’m talking about in social settings, so don’t jump my ass over this, Thunderchicken). I think it’s commendable that folks are out there who are genuinely improving their physical and mental well-being; I just don’t need to know the details of how much you lifted after your dentist appointment and how much you “owned” this or that. Ok, I get it. Flex your muscles, be proud, whatever, but I’ve noticed that the most fit among us rarely have to advertise it. And I count myself among the most unfit.

7. People who live in heaven and insist on shoving it down your throats

Guess what? San Diego is apparently heaven on earth. I know this because most people I know who live there and are on Facebook insist on posting photos of sunsets there and declaring how they’ve somehow staked a claim on paradise. Look, I’m not a fool: I realize how nice it is to live in Hawaii/The Hamptons/NYC, and I realize you’ve figured out how to afford it, and that’s just ducky. Just know that for someone living in Tucumcari, New Mexico, the 726th photo from your condo showing the waves breaking at sunset may be just the trigger for him/her to begin a homicidal rampage. Don’t be a d-bag….chuckle amongst yourselves at cocktail parties about how “the other half” lives and leave the rest of us alone.

8. Those that make kids toy packaging

Just how much theft of toys is happening in stores that their designers require parents to have a mechanical engineering degree to liberate the crappy plastic gift from its crappy plastic packaging? I have to use a Leatherman tool, tin snips and my oxy-acetylene torch rig during the holidays just to hasten the process. There is enough sealed plastic and twist ties to make me believe that there are some kinky mofo’s in charge of packaging. Creepy bastards.

9. The Lyrical Jackass

He knows why.

10. The doctor who’s gonna be gloved up tomorrow

As part of the Fire Department HazMat physical I’m taking in the morning, I get the ol’ exploratory sweep. There’s nothing pleasant about that for anyone involved, but there will be screaming. I’m getting all clammy and my knees are sweating just thinking about it.