I Can Relate. Really.

Dear Uli,

It has come to my attention that you posted an essay two days ago that was scathingly mean-spirited and caused not only hurt feelings, defensive outbursts and muttered threats, it also re-affirmed the label many have come to associate with your style of writing: condescending asshole.

So, as a response and defense of the people who you insisted could “kiss your ass”, your rational side will now argue the merits of those who you seek to defame and libel. Maybe you’ll learn a thing or two; maybe you’ll continue to be a jerk, but either way, you’re gonna sit down and listen to yourself.

People You Slandered On June 7th And Their Defense

1. Those who pretend their pets are children. Have you ever stopped to consider that maybe these folks just haven’t had the opportunity to have kids yet, or even ever, whether by the choice of regularly scheduled vasectomies or by a cruel twist of fate? You didn’t once address the empty nester (ie-your mother) who finds solace and comfort in partaking in one-sided conversations with his/her furry friends. Maybe cats like to be led on leashes throughout neighborhoods. Any way you cut it, you’re being an insensitive cad for looking down your nose at animals in costume. Get a life; better yet get yourself spayed and neutered.

2. Those who have children and act as though they are the first people to have ever had them. Don’t you remember the joy of The Heathens first sleeping through the night? Didn’t you claim that it was up there with the invention of the internal combustion engine and the polio vaccine? How quickly we forget. You’re a parent, too, you putz and can’t you just, for once, allow parents the world over to share in their triumphs? Share them with any and all? Ps- you just stopped wetting the bed at 34, and yet you crow on about it day and night. Classy.

3. People with fish on their cars. It is not just any old halibut, you know. It is the Ichthus, a sacred and historic symbol meaning “fish” in Greek. Commonly seen as IXOYE, or Iota, Chi, Theta, Upsilon and Sigma, it first gained popularity in the 1st and 2nd centuries A.D., not on the back of Chevy Tahoes, as you seem to suggest. This symbol denotes a believer in Christ, not a bad driver, and nowhere in the Old Testament is this addressed, as you claim. Christians in days of old had to convey their spiritual status in a non-verbal way to avoid persecution at the hands of the Romans; Christians today would probably enjoy beating you senseless with a fish, Greek or not.

4. The Kardashians. Or any reality-television family, really. There is no argument to be made here, except that you have no scientific proof that the Kardashian girls slept with the entire Oakland Raiders Special Teams. Not even a lurid video, which, coincidentally, is what it takes to make it as a reality “star” these days. So find that tape, already.

5. Talk radio hosts. Yeah, these guys are blowhard shills for those who think Dick Cheney is really a stand-up guy, one who only shoots people in the face if they really, really deserve it. But you, sir, are a communist for suggesting that independent rational thought is the domain of silly liberal whale snugglers. And you should be shot.

6. Part time workout ninjas. Okay, you really crossed the line here, you sniveling wimp, incapable of more than two pull-ups (and that’s with a good breeze). Although you tried to weasel out of accusing fellow CrossFitters of basing all conversation on military-like acronyms (WOD? CTB? KTB? XRZXRX? Who talks like this anyways?), you’ve pissed off a lot of peers who are capable of one fingered push-ups with 45 plates on their backs. They will have their revenge, and it will come in the form of a very public humiliation.

7. People who live in heaven and insist on shoving it down your throats. Let’s just face the facts here, you jealous scumbag. You’ve left living on both the Central Coast and the State of Alaska, and now you’ve got sour grapes. There’s no denying the fact that San Diego is beautiful, just as there’s no denying the fact that you married a Springfield local. So just get over yourself and take delight in all that the Ozarks has to offer. Shut up, already.

8. Those that make kids toy packaging. Simple solution: stop drinking and trying to open kids gifts. Your slander of the toy packaging engineers will not be tolerated much longer. As well, you have no proof that they are any kinkier than the vast majority of society, so stop the implications.

9. The Lyrical Jackass. What can I say to that? You’ve pissed him off and you deserve the shunning. Embrace it. Revel in the shame of a failed friendship.

10. The doctor who’s gonna be gloved up tomorrow. Well, “tomorrow” has come and gone, and since you didn’t ask for the finger exam and you didn’t press the issue, you didn’t get the sweep. So why did you insist on screaming? Quit being such a damned baby, you’re embarrassing yourself and the fire department as a whole.

There you have it, you pretentious boob. Now, if only you’d listened to any one of your multiple personalities, perhaps you wouldn’t be so quick to generalize, stereotype and offend everyone around you. Maybe it is MY ass you should be kissing.