To Do List For Summer 2010
The Object Of My & Sean Penn's Ridicule
- Invade a small country and impose my ideology in a violent fashion.
- Release the catchy pop hit of the season, then spurn both Gwen Stefani and Lady Gaga when they hit on me
- Randomly quote authors I’ve never read in an authoritative tone while attending parties, all with a British accent.
- Supplement the family coffers by engaging in acts of prostitution with lonely older ladies who will find me “witty” and “charming” and “hygienic”.
- Book a gig on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, then blow him away with my grasp on uninformed debate and useless pop culture.
- Enter a UFC fight. And win.
- Convince a co-worker to let me give him a tattoo using a guitar string and some printer ink.
- Conquer a horde of zombies in an abandoned manufacturing plant whose machinery is, oddly enough, running in a menacing fashion while the lights flicker on and off.
- Testify before the Supreme Court.
- Broker a peace deal in the Middle East. I don’t even care which countries are involved.
- Discover why some people actually take Sarah Palin seriously. Publish findings, win a Pulitzer.
- Field dress a goose I take down with my bare hands. In front of the kids.
- Single-handedly cure this country of its obsession with whiny teen vampires. There’s no reason that teenagerhood should last in perpetuity. That’s a long time to have acne and angst. Stupid vampires.
- Find the rest of the Russian spies who live amongst us. I’ll enlist Bill O’Reilly’s help in that endeavor.
- Send threatening letters to meteorologists who keep “screwing it up”.
- Hunt down Sean Penn and make him smile by cracking jokes about how Madonna is looking like piece of muscled rope..
- Cause a scene in a public setting. Without provocation.
- Make the bed.
- Submit a script for Family Guy with even more 80’s references.
- Wear a tee-shirt that says “Allah is All-Awesome” to the mall on a Sunday.
- Give piracy some serious consideration as my next career.
- Go out on the town with Billy Joel one night, get him laid so he can get back to writing decent music.
- Make the list in a local magazine that celebrates “Most Unmotivated Slackers In Our Area Code”.
- Develop a more bacon-flavored bacon.
- Beat up some paparazzi with umbrellas after a Red Bull-and-Marlboro fueled freakout with Britney Spears.
- Get in an argument with the dog. Lose, due to his unassailable logic.
- Expand lunch-making repertoire beyond grilled cheese and/or peanut butter and jelly.
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