Once My Pants Are On, I Make Gold Records

I’m not shooting for obscurity here, as is the wont of uber-hipsters. I like to enjoy a good beer with good people and good friends. Many of my friends are unknown to you, so I compiled a list of the famous with whom I’d like to have a cold one, or maybe even a delicious cocktail. Give me your opinion in return. Who would YOU like to end up with at a local watering hole?

Here’s my list, as of this very moment.

10. Zach Galifianakisalisailis. You know, that guy with the beard who played “Alan” in the movie The Hangover. Anyone with the clankers to sport a beard and a set of eyebrows like that in a town obsessed with everyone looking like slick hairless cats is, in my book, certifiably cool. He looks like he could give a rats’ ass what you think, and probably smells like a hobo, two traits I value highly in my drinking co-enablers.

9. Christopher Walken. This choice speaks for itself. I’m pretty sure he’d have nothing to do with me. Those are the kind of odds I’m looking for in a boon companion.

8. Dick Cheney. Because really, that’s as close to Satan as I care to dance. Must remind myself, “Don’t poke the bear. Don’t poke the bear, or he will jack a shotgun shell into your face.” This choice speaks to my inner adrenaline junkie.

7. Denis Leary. Maybe this is because I’m a sado-masochist, secretly knowing that at some time he’s gonna refer to me as “that pussy with the weird name.” And then I’ll buy the next round, because it’ll diffuse the tension in the room, as though it were my fault we were enjoying a drink together. Sounds awesome as hell.

6. Carmen Electra, circa 1999. Not for the reasons you’re thinking. No, it’s because in 1999, she was charged with battering Dennis Rodman. Think about it. She battered him. This is a not a woman to be trifled with, or she will batter you. Damn this would make for an awesome bar story: “Let me tell you about the day I made Dennis Rodman my bitch..”

5. Albert Einstein. Because I think behind the genius there lurks a dirty old bastard who could probably make me laugh till I choked. I don’t think I could ask for a better drinking buddy. And no one would believe me the next day at work.

4. Neil Young. The man seems pissed off. Intense. On the verge of a black-out rage at all times. I admire these qualities, especially in a drinking partner. I wouldn’t even bring up his music, which was described by Rolling Stone as “bludgeoning chords and a savant’s knack for transforming the most obvious music into something revelatory.” I’m no Rolling Stone, and that would sound stupid coming from me, even if I agree wholeheartedly.

3. Dean Martin. He was one cool cat. That’s all there is to it. One of my favorite quotes? “I’d hate to be a teetotaler. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that’s as good as you’re going to feel all day.” He made women swoon, and he’d make me take a little more pride in my appearance. Less flip-flops, more cuff links. Takes no shit. Fears nothing but the morning after. Demands three ice cubes per drink. That kind of thing.

2. Steve Watt. Now, I know most of you don’t know him, but I do, and you can too, if you read this post. Steve is famous to few, but special to me as a friend and mentor. And if I had the chance to enjoy one last beer on this planet, there’s a good chance Steve’s number would be getting the dial on my archaic cell phone. I miss my friend, and I raise my glass to him every chance I get. Here’s to you, amigo.

1. Henry Rollins. The former front man of Black Flag now carries the title of Resident Straight Talker for VanityFair online. Wow. If the tatts and rants don’t freak your noise out, the mad genius of his verbiage intimidates critics and fans alike. I’d just like a chance to throw back a cocktail and listen to him wax bad-ass on topics such as the USDA mess and Andrew Breitbart, describing him as such: “his deluded foaming is an interesting example of freedom of speech and its awesome power, it speaks volumes to its weight and the responsibility required to carry it. Some can hack it, some not so much.” I might check my shoot-from-the-ignorant-hip tendencies in his company. I think we can all agree that might be for the best.