Because The Dog Wouldn't Take The Picture

Chronicles Of Abandonment

  • 7:15am – arrive home from a firehouse shift to an empty house. Remember that Wife has left for Florida recently, thereby leaving me in charge for a short while. Begin to wonder where the children are.
  • 7:17am – check calendar. Yup. It’s a school day. They must be in school. Longingly look over at liquor cabinet.
  • 7:19am – loud noises! No repercussions! Scream at walls and argue with dishes, while dog takes on a nervous shake.
  • 7:20am – now hoarse. That screaming shit is not as fun when you’re closer to 40 than 20. Headache begins to set in and I reach for a bottle of Ibuprofen. THIS? is how we roll.
  • 7:30am – realize that all pertinent housework can be put off for at least 5 more days. Small fist pump of victory.
  • 7:31am – look in freezer and decide there are enough fish sticks and frozen pizzas to last us at least four days. I now contemplate a life without bathing for a week, without leaving the house and wearing nothing but a robe. This idea has a striking appeal.
  • 7:36am – first pot of coffee and second wind kick in. This is going to be so awesome. You have no idea how much I’m going to get done in terms of writing and creating and making all kinds of magic happen.
  • 7:38am – motivation totally lost as I marvel at stupid internet sites. Why do I keep chuckling at animals doing stupid things? That’s it, I’m officially old. Resist urge to forward any of this hilarity to ANYone.
  • 7:39am – Scheduled self-loathing in full swing.
  • 7:48am – head down on desk as I realize that I’m a completely worthless piece of crap, sobbing uncontrollably. Dog begins to look at me with disgust, promptly farts and then leaves the room. This does not help.
  • 7:53am – ok, feeling better. Then I read the updates on Facebook of friends who are, apparently, out there in nothing but awesome climates, changing the world and partying like Mick Jagger all at once. Self-hatred returns.
  • 7:56am – begin loud karaoke/air guitar session as a means of overcoming sense of worthlessness. Totally works.
  • 7:58am- decide against the early morning cocktail, on the off-chance that The Heathens will light their school on fire and I’ll be called to answer for their actions in the principal’s office.
  • 8:00am – realize that sometime within the last 45 minutes, the mother-in-law has been here at the house to drop off the Heathens toys, probably heard the scream-fest and is now reporting me to authorities. So much for privacy.
  • 8:01 am – begin preparing defense of aforementioned actions as I anticipate call from The Wife, demanding to know “just what in the hell I’m doing in the house scaring my mother like that.”