It's All Going SOOO Smoothly

Scorecard After A Week Without The Wife

  • Money spent on stuff like beef jerky and Crown Royal at Sam’s: like $200
  • Loads of laundry (mixed carelessly and with hot water): 13
  • Time spent searching for damn library book that will no doubt cost us $6000 and a lung if we don’t return it within the next couple of days: 3 very pissed off hours
  • Scrambled eggs left on plate because “I don’t liiiiike cheese in them Daddyyyyyy”: 6
  • Showers they’ve taken: 5
  • Showers I’ve taken: 2
  • Stack of mail on the counter: 39″ tall
  • Number of bills probably overdue: probably all of them
  • Number of episodes of SpongeBob I’ve watched: 361
  • Number of episodes of SpongeBob they’ve watched: 67
  • Dreams about Transformers they’ve had in which they’ve been stabbed by a sword and that scares them and they feel the need to inform me about it at 2:38am and they also want to talk about it in detail: 3
  • Times I’ve been woken up by the dog’s putrid breath and the fact that he’s spooning me: 12
  • Number of instances where I’ve trimmed their fingernails at the school bus stop: 1
  • Hours I’ve spent shaking my fist at the computer screen while she posts pictures of her fabulous time in Florida with all of her girlfriends as I’m slowly dying of neglect here in Misery: 16
  • Number of times I’ve left the house since she’s been gone: twice
  • How many hours spent waiting in line to sign one of the boys up for football. With them pulling on my pant legs, since I was too dumb to bring any distractions for them: 2
  • Number of meals created by opening a cardboard box and setting the oven to 425: most of them
  • Amount of sympathy I’ve drummed up from anyone, especially other mothers: none at all

It would be most appreciated if you could possibly tear yourself away from your little excursion into a life of heinous debauchery and perhaps return home at your earliest convenience.


Your war-torn and beat-nine-ways-to-hell husband.

ps- I lost the checkbook.