Self portrait from the week I didn't shave in 2000

Awful results are the result of the creative process gone awry. I thought of some of my spectacular turdblossoms as well as the horrible ideas of some luminaries of our time. This list is as comprehensive as I could get in twenty minutes. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go make some more bad decisions. I leave you with this, a list of random terribleness:

  • Jermaine Jackson naming his sons “Jaafar” and “Jermajesty”.
  • That stupid silly Rasta hat I tried to pull off in 8th grade. At least I bought it when I worked in Antigua. Still a terrible idea, though.
  • Vinyl siding. Ranch-style homes in general.
  • Octomom as someone worth discussing, much less rewarding financially. Nice job, America.
  • Deciding to stay in my hometown for college. Because, you know, there’s nowhere else in this country that has universities or anything like that. F-in’ brilliant.
  • The war in Iraq. Seems to have been awfully expensive, in terms of lives and money, and oh, yeah, apparently forcing freedom on people seems to have backfired. How dare they.
  • McDonalds. Every time it sounds good and I shell out cash for atrociously prepared food, I have instant buyers remorse and my intestines launch a full-scale revolution. I never learn.
  • Dell Digital Jukebox. When Apple released its 1st generation iPod in October of 2001, I’d have none of it. I bought a 20gig Dell DJ and promptly showed them. Akin to buying a Betamax in the face of VHS, my decision reflects my vast inability to forecast popular culture, much less anything to do with technology.
  • Celibacy. I find it hard to take marital advice from Catholic clergy, not that that is ever a reality in this particular marriage. But seriously, how do couples take the advice of someone who’s only guessing? My advice? Marry someone who will tolerate your idiosyncrasies and try your damndest not to be an asshole. That’ll be $165.oo.
  • Honesty; at least, when it comes to your friends’ significant others. People don’t want your honest opinion, what they want is validation of their choices. So, to recap: whatever decision they make is the right one, so just nod your head, murmur in agreement, take another shot of whiskey and hold your damn tongue.
  • Putting people on television who’s only discernible talent is partying, mindlessly having sex with strangers, tanning to a state of perma-orange and putting their hair three feet in the air. Wait….that just describes my peers of the 90’s. Why weren’t we paid for that? I demand a tv show for me and all my friends circa 1993.
  • Allowing anyone over 68 years old to drive. Or anyone under 25, for that matter.
  • Outlawing prostitution. If consenting, adult strangers agree to agree to engage in it without payment? That’s cool, in fact that’s called Saturday night for most people in their early 20’s. Totally different in the eyes of the law if it’s a business transaction, though. Love ain’t free, you know.
  • Outrageous body hair. Look, I realize that somehow along the journey of evolution all this bodacious hair made sense, but I swear, I don’t need it anymore. I have shelter (at this point) and there’s no obvious advantage in having Chewbacca style hirsuteness. Kindly, fall off my body, already.