"Do these shades make me look taller?"


By now, as I’m sure you’ve heard, I’ve been selected by the voices in my head to assume the mantle of Supreme Exalted Leader Of All Mankind.

Yes, I know, it’s an awesome responsibility, and with it comes the burden of shepherding the flock of humanity towards a path more befitting my title and righteous glory. No big deal.

This whole thing came to me in a garlic-Parmesan chicken wing-induced haze at around 3am the other morning, in between infomercials about dating exotic women on the telephone.

So, that being said, we gotta make some changes around here; to get started, I thought I’d lay down the first ten rules of life under my magnanimous leadership. These are non-negotiable items, so don’t you go and get fresh with me, or I’ll send you to the same prison cell as Lindsay Lohan, and believe me it’ll be no treat for either of you. So, in three words, COMPLY OR DIE.

Have a glorious day.

  1. The inauguration of my ascent to power will be highlighted as such: there will be a to-the-death cage-match between Snooki (the trollish Cookie Monster from Jersey Shore) and Sarah Palin (the snow monster of the Great North). Tina Turner will be the ringside announcer, and she will be in her Thunderdome outfit. Chainsaws and tanning oils to be provided.
  2. If you have a handicapped license plates and do NOT have any noticeable ailments (or children with them), you are not allowed to be a smoker. If we are going to give you the best parking places (a sacrifice on our part), then you will sacrifice, too, and give up the cancer sticks, thereby relieving us of the duty of paying for the associated health-care costs you’ll no doubt incur. Again, blue plates = no smokey smokey.
  3. Speaking of the Great North, preparations will be made to invade Canada. Currently, there is a shortage of quality hockey players coming out of our country, and in a bid to capture good skaters and natural resources, we’ll be imposing some freedom on our neighbors to the North. As a sweeping gesture of benevolence, I will, in exchange, give the entire Southern United States to Mexico. Let them have the humidity, tornadoes and monster truck rallies, says I.
  4. Traffic will be improved. Here’s how: all roads will have four lanes in each direction, each lane being separated by a concrete barrier. The inner lane is reserved for drivers 16-24, there are no speed limits, texting, talking and makeup application will not only be encouraged, it’ll be mandated. The outer lane is reserved for people over 52.5, and there will be no speeds allowed above 37 mph. Left turn signals will be on at all times and signs in that lane will be in 25,000,000 font. The middle two lanes are for the rest of us, and any behavior that deviates from what I find satisfactory is punishable by lectures of up to seven hours, delivered by Fran Drescher and Gilbert Gottfried.
  5. All you can eat restaurants will go the way of the dodo bird. You want a plate of food, you pay for it. You want a second plate of food? You pay for that too. With obesity reaching the levels they are, there is no real reason for AYCE‘s to exist, and they won’t be tolerated.
  6. NASCAR, as well, shall heretofore be banned. Cars go fast, then they turn left. I don’t understand why this is the flame that draws the redneck moth, but it’s high time we turn the bug zapper on. Again, with the donation of the Southern U.S. to Mexico, that will probably become a problem our neighbors to the south will have to contend with. Good luck, amigos.
  7. Churches will no longer be tax-exempt. If you have an issue with that, I urge you to take a visit to your local mega-church, gaze upon the copper spires and neon billboards and contemplate just why it is that these businesses ought to be able to skip out on the taxes the rest of us shell out. Well, really, the rest of you saps once I am anointed.
  8. Prison over-crowding will no longer be an issue. All inmates who want to claim gang affiliation will meet out in the yard at noon each day, whereby knives, shivs, shanks and other pointy weapons will be handed out. Two hours later, the survivors will report back to their cells.
  9. I will be keeping an enemies list, and it will be a very dynamic and secretive conglomeration of those who are in the wrong. I’d advise you to stay off of it, unless you’ve already been declared dead to me, a position from which there is no return. You know who you are.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I do believe there are a plate of wings and some phone-dating infomercials calling my name.

You’re welcome, gentle subjects.

-Fearless Leader Of All That Is Good And Right